0102 once wasn't enough

Everywhere you looked there was the obvious proliferation of frogs. Not so obvious was the subtle movement of fashion toward 1980's style sensibilities.  Hair became slightly bigger, leg warmers began showing up, chandelier-earrings spiked in sales, androgynousness started looking  more attractive on both sides. 

Chon pulled out a fat Cuban, lit up, and bellowed smoke out into the evening air like a freight train signalling its oncoming course. He grinned a gorilla faced, or possibly chimpanzee faced grin. Turns out someone noticed the old trend recycling itself.

"Let's t(d)o it." he said, tramping down mystery mountain on the way to Aspiere. Everything was going according to plan.

099

The left-behind shrapnel looked out of place on the toilet rim.

"This type of careless detritus, must stop!" Ditie insisted. To her, toilet seats held a place of unusual nostalgic romance. Ceramic halo's she'd call them.

ribit, ribit.

Bilix looked equally incensed at the unfortunate turn of events, but this may have been because he knew who'd be volunteered to clean everything up. "If he's a tree, or half at least, why do you think he needs to, you know, relieve himself?"

"Ever get the feeling you've answered your own question by asking a dumb one? He's half Indian too you know, he eats stuff and craps it out!"

Don't ever mess with Ditie's toilet.

"Eating stuff," Bilix snapped his fingers, "that gives me an idea."

"I'm sure it can wait till after you've cleaned up."

Bilix looked down cast "But Ditie, the frog problem..."

"Please babe it's been a long night, can you just take care of this little thing for me. I'm the one with the hard job. I'm going to have to kill Premnath when he gets home."

Bilix looked more down cast. He tried to force a smile but it was overwhelmed on the way to his face resulting in a strange muscle spasm that looked like a nervous twitch. Babe? When did this happen? Not since the last time? But it had been eons since they? And still he couldn't muster enough gumption to say no.

He dutifully stepped over to the collection of twigs and leaves left around the rim, mummy wrapped his hand with a generous portion of 2ply and helped the offending detritus into the bowl.

"I like Premnath, and don't you think the frogs are more annoying than his molting? I think we can get rid of --"

When the tree bits made contact with the water a beam of Neapolitan flavoured light blasted out of the bowl enshrouding Bilix. Caught off guard his mouth gaped open in astonishment. Emm my favourite he thought.

"Bilix!" Ditie screamed.

When the light retired to its place of origin Bilix had vanished.

87.

Bilix and Ditie awoke in uncomfortable positions in the bathroom, bereft of any (house trained) monster-tree sightings.

"I knew no good would come from this." Bilix grabbed at the back of his neck for emphasis, looking as pathetic as possible.


"Always with the negativity. He, she, it, whatever will be back at some point."

"Yeah well, in the meantime how do you feel about fried green frogs for breakfast?" the frog pox continued to spread to unwanted places like buboes during the black plague. Not even the bog was sacred anymore.

Unable to contain himself any longer Premnath, entered the scene. "Look guys can you get out please, I've been bursting to go all night. I just need a moment here O.K?"

Dittie got the impression that Premnath was tiring of her antics. The feeling was mutual, although less justified.

The bathroom was dutifully cleared of the culpable pair by (induced) voluntary march, but a horde of frogs remained in their place to observe Premnath in a compromising position. After which he performed the rest of his habitual morning ablutions resentfully for his audience, and then left for work.

Bathrooms abhor a vacuum, at least that's what you might be led to believe by observing Bilix's behaviour, who wasted no time in refilling the empty space left by his partner's flatmate's departure. He peered over at the loo, while brushing his teeth. "Joan of Arc in a hang glider! Dittie get in here, you've gotta see this!"

84.

Death becomes her, as she walked she tried not to worry about it. Why did she think entering the forest was a good idea? That didn't really matter anymore a near death experience justified almost any action that followed it. She kept going.

"Deborah it's so good to see you." Hearing voices, not a good sign no matter how welcoming they sounded.

"Yes, this is Mayor Salin." said Deborah. "Who, wh are you?"

No reply.

She stood for a while assessing her situation. Pros: 1. She hadn't seen or heard a frog for about half an hour. 2. This was the most spontaneous thing she'd done since she started seeing a psychologist. Cons: 1. Bad lighting. 2. mysterious voices that knew her name. Mental note: find a new psychologist.

A new sound broke her concentration it sounded like a rifle. Against all reason she followed it like bread crumbs in a fairy tale, like string in a labyrinth and found her way to a clearing. It was little relief to discover a man there firing a rifle, as she'd suspected, worse he seemed to be missing his head.

83.

ribit, ribit

"If you don't mind I was here first, and as you can see the situation is dire. Now you've said your piece about the 80's, horrible decade, but we've got our own problems to deal with." said Erhard

"With all due respect sir, with a wardrobe like that, you look to be the least qualified to make any comments on what was or wasn't, is or isn't fashionable. The 80's had its short comings to be sure, but it's ready to make a comeback." said Davis

"OAUGHUEHHE" said Daly and Koopa.

Erhard snuck a glance at his outfit, it was bright yellow and red, of course he knew that already, but he wasn't used to being insulted by strangers that materialised in brilliant flashes of light, he found it to be rather rude; All the more so, because his reclamation of the proverbial talking stick was so short lived, he'd been disarmed by the cocky guest almost immediately. He tried again" "Who said anything about fashion?" was all he could come up with. After that he thought of a million other things that would have been a hundred times wittier.

Melanie was about to make a psychological breakthrough and disencumber a portion of her inner child before these two strange men appeared on the scene, although they were no less strange than the man she was already dealing with, perhaps they leaned a little closer to normality than this ever-groaning zombie guy and for that she was resentfully grateful. Here she was getting bailed out again, same old Mel. Between these freaks, the redundant, overly abundant frogs; and the worst date of her life (the only date), she couldn't see how an invasion from the eighties could make things any worse.

"Authors with bad ideas, the return of the 80's, I don't understand." she said.

It looked like Erhard's attempts at heroism were marginally interesting at best to these people. They obviously couldn't be bothered with anything he had to say. Sometimes he didn't know what the point was in trying.

"All will be explained, friends." pronounced Davis, which was a rather forward relational label given that none of the group knew anyone else's name.

A ball of light surrounded them and shrank in on itself until they all disappeared. That's when Brandon showed up (and died).

74.

"Oh hi Premnath."

"Hey Bil. Dittie I'm off to bed you two try and keep it down OK, it's been a flame grilled whopper of a day." ribit, ribit "&*^%#$! frogs. "

Bilix strolled out to join Dittie in the quasi-kitchen-living-alcove-room section of the comfy sized apartment"I like whoppers? What did he mean?"

"Don't worry about it Bil, let him sleep it off. "

"Anyways, care to join me in here I thought we were staking out the bathroom together."

"In a minute Bilix, I'm watching something here. Any second now Goku is going to wax Freezer's tail."

"How can you watch this crap. It's over 20 years old for starters and --"

"Your over two thousand years old, you don't see me complaining."

"Well, aside from your having watched this a million times already, this is one of those shows that just drags on and on, promising action, but we could come back in two months time and Goku would still be powering up his spirit bomb. Nothing happens. It kind of reminds me of something/someone."

71.

"This is ridiculous."

Mayor Salin's car was struggling to find traction. It was an object lesson perfectly describing her life spinning wildly out of control. In the past 24 hours the local frog population had exploded and so had something else allegedly. Reports were circulating describing a light display that resembled an atomic explosion. All her life she had handled crises with a delicate flair that escaped (and delighted) most mortals, a talent that allowed her to excel both in and out of the political arena. But this was a much different challenge, unprecedented in the history of the world except maybe in iron age fairy stories, which hardly counted in her opinion. When the car completed its final pirouette, she squelched the desire to punch her steering wheel. Instead she let her self out of the car, town was still about a mile away, but instead of taking the road she felt drawn to the forest. Slowly she stepped into the darkness of the trees.

68.

Davis arrived with a real live flash, the kind that reminds you of lightning striking within death's distance and knocks you on your posterior disavowing you of the gratitude of being spared due to your being really quite sore. Yes, exactly like that. The dead feel no pain. Getting there though that's the hard part.

He walked out of his crater, strutting like he'd just got the digits of the hottest girl on earth. There was definitely some overtly audacious pizazz in that chipper prance of his, the kind that made you sit up and say damn that boy can walk. Some where between the transition from crawling to walking there's an art form under appreciated by society at large, Davis was a walking Rembrandt. Even the frogs weren't an impediment, he simply squashed any that lay in his way.

He saw a mini assembly of fellow humans and moseyed on over.

"Greetings beings of planet of earth. I'm here to save you from the eighties."

Melanie looked him up and down. "You're too late."

54.

ribit, ribit

The paddy wagon turned a corner and hit a thick patch of green ice (the new term for multiple frogs affecting driving conditions). It wavered in its course, then gave in to its high centre of gravity, toppling over. One small crash for men, one giant leap for the fatalities of frog kind. The statistics were staggering, but no matter how many herps hopped to that great lily pad in the sky their numbers were always bolstered seemingly by some ancient hyper hydra spell, remove one frog and a million would take its place. Not even rabbits could procreate this quickly, even if you couldn't do the math, something didn't add up.

Erhard crawled out of the back of his transportation. Hadn't this happened in Commando, except Arnie was liberated by a rocket launcher that blew up the vehicle without causing him injury? The cops in this ride had been spared the fate of their movie counterparts, but were out cold in the front. Erhard managed to emerge relatively unscathed. This could be the hero turn he was looking for.

Ironically the frogs were Erhard's mini saviours, he could've bundled them all up there (the ones that had aided him in his miraculous escape) and showered flowery German kisses over every one -- if they hadn't already been smeared like a healthy looking yet strangely off putting condiment across the tarmac. There was no time for this sentimental sniveling, action was required, but first he needed to get his bearings. He decided to ask the peculiar couple who were fidgeting around and trying on the public rubbish bin?

50.

Erhard was bundled into the back of a paddy wagon. He'd envisioned things going differently. It had only been a suggestion.

Frogs had quickly become a ubiquitous part of life.

He could really do with his pipe right now.

He thought back on his life, on all the mistakes, and all the great times. He'd always managed to out maneuver the law in the past. Not this time. Maybe he was getting old. Maybe it was time to make amends.

The police vehicle pulled out to the tune of unpleasant sounding squishy noises. Yep, the frogs were pretty much everywhere now.

42.

Brandon entertained only a few ideas, he was mostly distracted by the thought of his impending death. His selfish quest had left Melanie stranded in an undignified position and possibly at the mercy of the incoming frogs. The frogs, the frogs, were they real or just a hallucination excited by the chemical imbalances of a dying brain? In a brief moment of insanity (this is what he told himself) he visualised surfing in on a wave of frogs taking Melanie up into his arms and doing unspeakable things to her. Before he got too excited there was still the small issue of his heart attack to consider. He had once taken a first aide course for CPR. What use was that type of knowledge if you couldn't use it to save yourself? The Answer to The Question didn't matter all that much right now. He wheezed, he choked, he stood up and he started stumbling back to Westminster Boulevard, the frogs edging ever closer as he went.

37.

ribit, ribit

Deborah Salin, the city Mayor stepped up to the podium.

"My fellow citizens, in recent days our beloved city has been over run by what can only be described as a plague of frogs."

A politician who didn't mince words, Deborah was a rare breed.

"Despite my allusions to Biblical language, I assure you that this is not the Apocalypse no matter what your priests or millennial death cult leaders may say. There have been reports of pillars of light and phantom explosions. I am quite certain that these phenomena are highly exaggerated and are not in any way tied to the frog outbreak. We have mobilized the national guard to ensure your protection, we have our finest herpetologists working on the matter as --"

ribit

"Herpetologists? Mayor Salin, these critters aren't some STD that any conventional treatment can cure. Extraordinary events, call for extraordinary action." Came the voice of a German accented, flamboyantly dressed, man in the back. He appeared to be armed with a personal microphone and speakers.

Frogs slowly began infiltrating the hall.

Deborah pinched the bridge of her nose. "Dear God, what now."

In response the man simply raised his pipe and smiled.

Deborah shook her head. "I've read that story before and it didn't end well, security please remove this man and shove that pipe somewhere where I wont have to see it again."

31.

On Saturday it rained. On Sunday it threatened to, but didn't make good on it's promise. Instead impotent grey clouds sat sullenly, some might say ominously, in the sun blocked sky. On Monday it for lack of a better term: froged. Countless untold numbers of frogs perpetrated every facet of everyday life.

When the sun comes up, you go about your usual business not giving it a second thought. After all it's come to be expected, what you don't expect is to be greeted by a mountain of seething amphibians emanating from the base of your toilet bowl at 3 0'clock in the morning when all you wanted was to relieve the excess pressure brought on by your enlarged prostate. This occurrence is no less logical then having the sun pop into place each morning, something that Erhard tried to remind himself of as he contemplated the supernumerary frogs which had suddenly been injected into his life.

He knew that there had to be an explanation, there had to be a source and there had to be a reason that he felt an unbridled urge to go looking for his pipe.

27.

ribit, ribit.

Brandon had almost certainly suffered a mild form of cardiac arrest. He was bent over on all fours. To complement his heart troubles his mind was suffering the indignity of trying to contain a multiplicity of errant thoughts all at once: Was he going die? Kill the flying man. Melanie stuck. Rubbish bin. Learn to fly and what was that stupid noise?

ribit

A green wall was moving toward him.

12.

ribit, ribit.

Koopa's tongue wisped to the beat of the birth of the exponentially exploding frog population in his seemingly shrinking enclosure. It was as if Moses himself had come down from heaven, confused Daly's room with Egypt and unleashed holy terror on Koopa's habitat.

Koopa became concerned when the plague of frogs began to inhibit the use of his nostrils. This would never do, oxygen was a necessity.

Maybe the world was a horrible place were over eager consumer minded creatures eeked out an existence by claiming and controlling limited resources. Maybe there wasn't enough to go around. Deep thoughts for a reptilian brain.

The rapidly changing frightening new world he faced left him with few options. He could eat his way out of this mess, despite his lack of appetite or he could drown in the sea of frogs. Making decisions had never been his strong suit. He needed more time to think.

ribit, ribit.

3.

Koopa sat solitary with a wisping tongue. Frogs hoped at the opposite side of the glass container. Koopa wondered why his life extended no further than a twelve foot radius. A pair of hands extended from overhead delivering a tasty fury creature. Koopa thought about eating it, but that just didn't seem very challenging anymore. The frogs started chirping.