107 spills and thrills

Ditie launched herself into the space formerly occupied by Bilix, catching the toilet bowl accidently with her leg, stumbling in the process. She managed to realign her centre of gravity in time to prevent certain disaster, then allowed herself a brief bout of relief at no one having witnessed her lack of co-ordination. "They really are portals!"

***

In an unpleasent place at the edge of nowhere...

Brandon gathered himself, the under-sized over-ugly, yet still humaniod-like creature edged a little closer to him. It extended its hand. Brandon tried not to flinch. "I'm Bilix, you big sod. What's your name?"

099

The left-behind shrapnel looked out of place on the toilet rim.

"This type of careless detritus, must stop!" Ditie insisted. To her, toilet seats held a place of unusual nostalgic romance. Ceramic halo's she'd call them.

ribit, ribit.

Bilix looked equally incensed at the unfortunate turn of events, but this may have been because he knew who'd be volunteered to clean everything up. "If he's a tree, or half at least, why do you think he needs to, you know, relieve himself?"

"Ever get the feeling you've answered your own question by asking a dumb one? He's half Indian too you know, he eats stuff and craps it out!"

Don't ever mess with Ditie's toilet.

"Eating stuff," Bilix snapped his fingers, "that gives me an idea."

"I'm sure it can wait till after you've cleaned up."

Bilix looked down cast "But Ditie, the frog problem..."

"Please babe it's been a long night, can you just take care of this little thing for me. I'm the one with the hard job. I'm going to have to kill Premnath when he gets home."

Bilix looked more down cast. He tried to force a smile but it was overwhelmed on the way to his face resulting in a strange muscle spasm that looked like a nervous twitch. Babe? When did this happen? Not since the last time? But it had been eons since they? And still he couldn't muster enough gumption to say no.

He dutifully stepped over to the collection of twigs and leaves left around the rim, mummy wrapped his hand with a generous portion of 2ply and helped the offending detritus into the bowl.

"I like Premnath, and don't you think the frogs are more annoying than his molting? I think we can get rid of --"

When the tree bits made contact with the water a beam of Neapolitan flavoured light blasted out of the bowl enshrouding Bilix. Caught off guard his mouth gaped open in astonishment. Emm my favourite he thought.

"Bilix!" Ditie screamed.

When the light retired to its place of origin Bilix had vanished.

88.

"Premnath just used, the you know, and look what he left behind."

"You're sick, you know that?" Ditie in spite of her misgivings joined Bilix in the bathroom, a new practice they'd ritualized in the last day. "There's leafy leftovers on the seat! It's him! Premnath is probably half tree. I thought it might have been a religious thing, but I wondered why I've never seen him wear shorts."

87.

Bilix and Ditie awoke in uncomfortable positions in the bathroom, bereft of any (house trained) monster-tree sightings.

"I knew no good would come from this." Bilix grabbed at the back of his neck for emphasis, looking as pathetic as possible.


"Always with the negativity. He, she, it, whatever will be back at some point."

"Yeah well, in the meantime how do you feel about fried green frogs for breakfast?" the frog pox continued to spread to unwanted places like buboes during the black plague. Not even the bog was sacred anymore.

Unable to contain himself any longer Premnath, entered the scene. "Look guys can you get out please, I've been bursting to go all night. I just need a moment here O.K?"

Dittie got the impression that Premnath was tiring of her antics. The feeling was mutual, although less justified.

The bathroom was dutifully cleared of the culpable pair by (induced) voluntary march, but a horde of frogs remained in their place to observe Premnath in a compromising position. After which he performed the rest of his habitual morning ablutions resentfully for his audience, and then left for work.

Bathrooms abhor a vacuum, at least that's what you might be led to believe by observing Bilix's behaviour, who wasted no time in refilling the empty space left by his partner's flatmate's departure. He peered over at the loo, while brushing his teeth. "Joan of Arc in a hang glider! Dittie get in here, you've gotta see this!"

74.

"Oh hi Premnath."

"Hey Bil. Dittie I'm off to bed you two try and keep it down OK, it's been a flame grilled whopper of a day." ribit, ribit "&*^%#$! frogs. "

Bilix strolled out to join Dittie in the quasi-kitchen-living-alcove-room section of the comfy sized apartment"I like whoppers? What did he mean?"

"Don't worry about it Bil, let him sleep it off. "

"Anyways, care to join me in here I thought we were staking out the bathroom together."

"In a minute Bilix, I'm watching something here. Any second now Goku is going to wax Freezer's tail."

"How can you watch this crap. It's over 20 years old for starters and --"

"Your over two thousand years old, you don't see me complaining."

"Well, aside from your having watched this a million times already, this is one of those shows that just drags on and on, promising action, but we could come back in two months time and Goku would still be powering up his spirit bomb. Nothing happens. It kind of reminds me of something/someone."

69.

Bilix and Dittie after a lot more drinking...

"I'm concerned it's like every day I walk in and a tree stump has taken a dump in my toilet. My toilet! You think the current frogger crisis is a problem? I have to pull out a leaf blower every time I need to go me-me." said Dittie

"Me-me Ditie? Seriously we're all adults here. And if it's all the same to you I'd rather not hear about you and your flatmate's bathroom hi-jinks."

"I just need to go all right. That's my right."

"Yes, whenever, wherever. I think you had a wee bit too much of the grog my dear."

"And besides toilets are ..." Ditie stumbled over her words as she pointed skyward and threw up on herself.

"Yes, I know, I know Ditie focus on the finger and I miss all the heavenly glory." said Bilix gazing up at the full moon (which somehow looked sad tonight).

"You're not listening as usual. Why don't men ever listen?"

"Oh boy."

"Toilets don't ever get a fair shake, everybody giggles about them behind their backs, but when you want to go plant your butt somewhere and do a little light reading, who's there for you?"

"Why toilets of course! I'll concede to you on that point, but I don't know where you're going with this. I mean shouldn't we be trying to get to the bottom of what's--"

"Bilix!?"

"Sorry."

"You've heard the stories right? Toilets are portals to another world. Literally they are. I haven't actually done it myself, but my aunt once used a network of long drops to over throw the Roman empire in an alternative universe."

"Lets not forget that toilets are sometimes engaged like us and often vacant like you."

In response Ditie punched Bilix directly in the nose, causing him to tear up.

"Uhhh (*delayed onset of pain groan*) Okay go on."

"What we need to do is stake out my loo. I know it can't be Premnath leaving detritus on the bowl because he always Nair®'s himself. There are always leafy twiggy bits left behind on the bowl, we'll lay low then capture the creature and force him to, I don't know we'll catch him and make him talk."

"Better him than me, lets go."

57.

"Stratify my nutsack, things haven't been this crazy since before I can remember." said Bilix.

"Eh, I've seen worse." replied Ditie .

"Lets take stock of the situation here. Some thing's up."

"I don't see why we should, I mean it's pretty obvious. The frogs are coming home to roost. Think about it, everything is here because some such thing came crawling out of the oceans ages ago. Frogs are amphibians. They're the missing link between the oceans and the land. They're just reminding us of their evolutionary importance."

"No one talks like that."

"I do."

"ahuh."

ribit, ribit.

Bilix needed more than just his mind to process his thoughts, intense thinking was always evident on the surface. It seemed to be a bit of a strain. "There could be a lot of levels at work here. I mean it could be anything. What if the atoms are upset, or worse the superstrings?"

"Bilix I strum on the super strings of the guitar of god and live to tell the tale. You're over reacting."

45.

"Fire and Ice cream."

"Good combo."

"Not really."

"Good point."

"I've been doing some research and it appears that Boy George originated in the depths of Mordor, which actually sunk just off the coastline of France. I'm not making this up."

"I can see where you're coming from on that. This calls for a quest."

"Well said."

"What's your opinion on frogs?"

"I'm hungry."

"It's settled then."

Bilix and Ditie were really, really drunk.

35.

"The universe blew up, that was a long time ago, though." Said Ditie, a wing clipped pixie.

"here, here I remember it well, hasn't stopped ever either." said Bilix an offensively ugly former super model.

"Can you order me another round Bilix, I forgot me wallet."

"That old gag, sure thing ya hopeless little twerp."

"You got a heart of gold. I ever tell you that. Like I was saying big huge explosion from a pea. A pea! Princesses haven't slept too well ever since."

"What are you getting at. There's some connection between the beginning of the universe and fairy tales?"

Javier, the barperson came and refilled Bilix and Ditie's mugs.

"There's a connection between the beginning of the universe and everything Bil, don't be silly. What I'm saying is that it's all totally ridiculous. Look at me, I don't even exist, yet I'm here. I'm a pixie without wings, that was a good song someone released once, I think."

"Now you're being ridiculous."

"No, it's true. Whatever that means. The insides of the pea are expanding taking on all these different illusory forms. One day it'll all collapse and maybe if we're lucky it'll start over. The universe wants to *%^! us over"

"Ditie that's the worst story I've ever heard."

"Yep, lets watch some TV and try not think about it."

The indefatigable bartender, without the need for any explicit instruction walked over to the TV, turned it up and this from the box: "There've been reports of an out break of frogs, citizens are advised --"

Ditie cut in "I told you Bilix, ridiculous."