"truly, truly, truly outrageous"

I am Optimus Prime. Ready to transform. When I was a kid I wanted to be Hot Rod who later became Rodimus Prime, and (full disclosure) I had a crush on Kimber from Jem and the Holograms. I can see the folly of my ways now; Jem was way hotter and Hot Rod was a pussy. Oh the ineffectual prayers that were offered in the hopes of obtaining these and other esoteric desires. Now I'm me grown up, disconnected it seems from my own life. The will to dream and covet the ridiculous has dissipated for reasons that I can't quite articulate. But I prepare myself now for re-entry to planet earth. I am a passive participant in my own existence. I look around me and I am alienated from the rest of the world. Who are these people? I suffer from the classic human failing of both wanting to be normal and better than normal at the same time; normal so I can become a beautiful social butterfly instead of a reticent groveling wretch and better than normal so that when they see me they'll know something amazing is taking place. My misanthropy is a serious hurdle. To reach out beyond my immense circle of influence that stops at one I will first look inward. What do I like about me? When I can answer this I'll be on my way to knowing what's worth liking in others and we can all be happy domesticated monkeys together tossing feces out of our collective cages. I will dream again. Watch out Kimber here I come.

WWJD 0

What Would Joseph Do? Well, what wouldn't he do? I'm finding it hard to keep up. We need a general rule that encompasses the full range of these activities, which extend far beyond the boundaries of his own religion and surprisingly even the scope of this blog entry, thus fully preparing us to receive further light and knowledge at some unspecified future period. I can't wait. We've had rules 1 and 2 already, each of which profoundly moved all those who read them (I have it on good authority: I have a really good feeling that what I just said was true, so it must be), but we haven't even covered the cardinal rule yet, so without further ad0:

0. Don't do anything that Joseph wouldn't do (with the possible exception of 14 year old girls).

These are words to live by.

Blah: We will return of to our regular programming of non-anti-Mormon bashing after I've processed my issues. I should be done in a week, possibly a year.

work in progress

Work is a waste of time. There are many things I'd rather be doing. Like drugs. Lots and lots of drugs. I have an elaborate fantasy world set up (just in case this one doesn't work out) where my power animal leads me through a shamanic consciousness expanding animus illuminating acid fueled riot of passage. The world is not enough. Truly. On the other hand if not for work how could I finance my non-existent psychedelic benders?

Work equals force times distance, force equals mass time acceleration. I know this because Newton knows this. Eisenstein's is better, but overly-complicated. So much for elegance. There's no free lunch, except at soup kitchen's. Every rule has an exception including this one. Matter cannot be created nor destroyed only transformed. Why not? It doesn't matter. I do. Oh, the engagement.

want more? as you wish...

spring cleaning in pandora's box

Yesterday I kind of let slip with the fam that I'm no longer a fully institutionalized member of Mormonism. Oops. On reflection I could have delivered this bombshell in a more delicate fashion, but no matter how gently you hit the trigger, when dealing with explosives, some one's bound to get hurt . Oh well, better out than in, honesty is the best policy even if the church disagrees (not in principle but in practice). I still have no idea what to do with the remnants of my spirituality. There's atheism, existentialism, mysticism. It's a work in progress. I'm considering taking up a Mormon Think like approach, but I'm pretty bad at hiding my identity. So, I'll just have to be an agent for change within the church, out in the open. Let's see how long I last.

UPDATE next time baby when dealing with propositions which can't be proven watch out...

WWJD 2: When I say no drinking, I mean only sometimes

Moving backwards through time, reprising our narrative (very) shortly before Joseph's death, he and his imprisoned buddies decided to sit down for a good old fashioned drinking session to help raise the spirits. According to the Word of Wisdom (a code of health for Mormons) "strong drinks" are and were prohibited (along with their forbidden cousins "hot drinks" of the same revelation, these broadly labeled and loosely defined substances have been subject to different interpretations at different times). Strong drinks today mean anything with alcohol content, during Joseph's life it appears that the WoW was only a suggestion, or that some alcohols were acceptable while others were not, or that the rules applied to the general membership of the church and not its gatekeepers. Regardless, there was much singing and wine and rejoicing and likely the types of bold declarations of manly love that often accompany imbibing copious amounts alcohol, which leads us of course to rule number:

2. BE CAUTIOUSLY ALCOHOLIC (abstaining from drinking is like the 'i' before 'e' except after 'c' rule: there are many, many exceptions.)

Bonus Aside:

I find it puzzling that we'll use science to bolster our position on certain issues like the Word of Wisdom. "See, Joseph received this revelation over 170 years ago about how to stay healthy and today science verifies he was right." Predictably when big bad science disagrees with our position (i.e. literal interpretations of events from the Old Testament) we reject it out of hand as the "wisdom of the world." That's bad form in my opinion. What has science ever done to you? Given you hot water, electricity, the internet, global warming, atomic bombs. OK, sure it's not all good, but that's because all too often we misuse it (the same can be said for religion). Speaking from a Mormon perspective, if we're here to gain experience and learn from it, then we are already, after a fashion, involved in a scientific type of enterprise. And so, experience we shall, try a glass, a little bit wont hurt, Joseph would have wanted it that way. 'ere's to your 'ealth.

Editors note: I don't actually encourage the consumption of alcohol. It is highly overrated.

WWJD 1

What would Joseph do? Our beloved founder and exemplary paragon of virtue par excellence has been on my mind lately. Now we don't worship Joseph, but we revere and honor him as a prophet or something. The 'J', I know, usually stands for someone else, but come on Jesus was a superhero. Being idealistic is cool and all, but I prefer a dash of conservative pragmatism with my reality, so for me lowering the bar is wholly acceptable. I need not scrape the bottom of the barrel though, far from it, I mean who's done more to advance the plight of homo sapiens (Jesus excluded from consideration, of course) than good ol' Joe Smith; living up to Joseph's impeccable example will be a mighty challenge indeed. Let's begin at the end shall we (borrowing rule number 233 from 1001 rules for my unborn son):

1.GO DOWN FIGHTING!

below: Joseph at Carthage Jail inaccurately depicted without a gun.

"Oh Lord, my God is there no help for a widows son?" That's a negative.

If an angry mob's out to kill you, your brother and your friends, pack heat and f*ck up as many of them as possible (before being shot dead). That's what Joseph would do.

totally random unrelated atheistic musings

I have an idea let's burn down all the myths that have ever been and replace them with strong atheism/human secularism/extreme positivism. This truly is the answer to all the world's ills. As I sit here peering down aloft my exalted perch of intellectual superiority, suffering from carpel-tunnel syndrome of the shoulder due to an excessive amount of patting my own back, I am often amused and bemused by the irrational behavior of the wandering body of ignoble ingrates that form the core body of the rest of humanity. Rule number 1: Don't be dumb.

The flying spaghetti monster (barely funny the first time it was used, which only makes it all the more hilarious today -- OK I'm lying it is pretty funny) or God or My Little Pony and Friends are figments of the imagination formulated to dull the impact of the oncoming scythe of death . Each unfalsifiable yet the former is widely worshiped, while the middle and latter have yet to spawn a comparable measure of religious devotion. Having big balls and long noodles while impressive by any objective standard, subjectively speaking it is an untenable deity. I don't like the thought of any God(s) that may taste better than I do. On a related note I've never tried pony.

If it's shiny, they will come. Occam's razor: The most likely explanation is the one which is most boring. I often dream literally of being an accountant, not to pitch a tent over an entire cross-section of society, a tent would be too big. Occam's razor is very sharp and I am very boring.

Can't we all just get along? I have fathoms of tolerance for all peoples, especially those that agree with me. I am Mormon and Atheist. I operate at two opposing ends of an undefined spectrum of thought. My head will explode at any time now.

The Buzz Aldren of Mormonism

Below: Joseph working hard on his translation of the Book of Mormon

Inspired by a post and comments at BCC...

Joseph smith: folk magician, successful author, prolific womanizer. Among these impressive achievements he is also revered as a prophet of God by millions of Mormons the world over. Justification for this position - a testimony given by way of the Holy Spirit - will be examined later, as for now a simple thought: In the mainline church Joseph's divine calling is a central tenet, more so than any of his successors. Go to any Mormon testimony meeting (held on the first Sunday of every month) and you'll hear among the eclectic anecdotes that there is a God and that Joseph was his prophet, if the modern equivalent is lucky he'll receive an honorable mention, the others however are rarely ever spoken of in this manner. This is incredibly unfair to Brigham Young. He had almost as many wives as his predecessor and dabbled in polyandry to boot, you don't get much more Mormon than that. Moreover, the fact that there is a mainline church tells us that other branches exist.

During the succession crisis after Joseph Smith's death there were a number of would be prophets in waiting ready to make a power grab. Brigham was successful where others weren't by arguing that the Quorum of the Twelve, a unit within the church of which he happened to be the leader, had received all the keys and authority of God that Joseph had restored and that although no man could replace their dearly departed prophet, that this group should carry on directing the church in his stead. He later changed his mind and decided he was a prophet after all (in the same way Joseph was?) and was sustained by the general membership as such. Other groups who disagreed splintered off formulating their own versions of Joseph's theology/theocracy. Imagine today, we (normal Mormons, that may be a misnomer) could instead be almost as non-existent as the Strangites if things had gone differently; or fundamentalists still practicing polygamy - score! Or progressive enough to allow woman the priesthood - Go reorganites! But we're good old fashioned normal Mormons and it's all thanks to Brigham Young, except he doesn't get any. It's a crime. Sure he gave us the Adam-God theory and Blood Atonement, but even prophets make mistakes sometimes. I propose that we add a new basic proposition to our testimonies: I know that Brigham Young was a prophet. (I think). So shall it be written so shall it be done.