faith, knowledge and the art of confusion 2

part 1

Let it be known to all nations, kindreds, tongues, and people, this will read like a polemic, but it is not intended to be (overly) offensive. Unable to share my thoughts with anyone on issues that I have surrounding the church of my youth, I have resorted to talking to myself on the internet. Heaven have mercy...

Am I a Son Of Perdition? Most, except those closest to me, would argue no. Have I committed the unpardonable sin of denying the Holy Ghost? An iniquity more egregious than any combination of sex and or violence conceivable (not even virtuoso evil pricks like Stalin, Hitler, or even George Bush have achieved this level of depravity). Not yet. In the mormon cosmological model, there is a special place reserved for these SOPs, the only true and living version of hell ominously called Outer Darkness.

To qualify you have to of course deny Mr. fancy pants look-at-me-I-can-turn-into-a-dove himself. Can you feel the spirit brother? It's a Holy Ghost party up in here. Umm, yeah, the Holy Ghost there's no denying him, but to even attempt such a rash and despicable act you have to first know that the mormon church is true. Joseph Smith described this as looking at the sun (which might make you blind), and denying that it shines, or crucifying the good Lord once again, even while knowing he's the chosen Messiah. That's what it comes down to, you have a sure knowledge that Jesus is Jesus and then you go all Judas Iscariot, on his godly ass. That'll get you a one way ticket to mormon hell my friend.

Now, it's generally accepted that you have to really know, like Generally Authority know*, that the Church is true with absolute certainty to even have the opportunity to become a SOP. Like Jesus has to take a time out from his busy schedule of basking in the eternal worship of his angel sycophants, descend from his throne of glory, and confirm that your calling and election has been made sure by personally delivering your VIP pass to the celestial kingdom, while the Holy Ghost sears a powerful witness of these events into your very soul. It's no easy feat getting into outer darkness let me tell you. You've got to be worthy of heaven, if you want to go to hell.

Most of us fail to attain the aforementioned level of knowing, by which I mean really knowing. For the rank and file members (and probably the overseeing patriarchy as well, although they'd probably never openly admit it) testimony baring is a culturally acceptable form of consolation; a statement professing knowledge of the truthfulness of God, Jesus, the church, Joseph Smith etc. It's the old fake it till you make it gambit, which isn't a bad thing in and of itself. It's a perfectly acceptable form of learning. The question is how many actually make it? You know, gain a sure knowledge of the truth, enough to make them eligible to be condemned to Outer Darkness if they ever fall? Ask any honest mormon and they'll tell you not many if any. Am I a SOP? Hell, no. I only ever believed the church was true, even though I said I knew as much (possibly like everyone else? Hello, emperor, nice clothes you've got there). Belief 0r faith is not the equivalent of certainty, of that I am certain.

*General Authority n. Old mormon guy who resides in the upper echelon of the mormon hierarchy. I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt here, but Boyd K. Packer has hinted that a GAs testimony is no different than a standard members.

TBC

fire insurance and magic underwear

I was a Mormon once. Still am, if not going counts. I even went on a mission. While there I developed an immunity to confrontational swearing Aussies, which in part might explain why I live t/here now... PTI

READER BEWARE (inside info): Mormons like me self have a cute nickname for not getting atomically scorched off the face of the earth when Jesus comes again. It's called paying your "fire insurance". For only 10% of your income each year, you can rest easy in the thought that only shouts of joy and not abject agony will be emanating from your mouth when good ol' JC finally gets around to that second coming (while your infidel friends burn to death all around you). & why would the Tiger Woods of compassion institute such a policy? Because he's God silly.

...Back to the mission. It so happened, that a group of elders and I were gathered at one of the our flats, celebrating another successful day at having annoyed a lot of people, when I felt a mildly warm sensation come over my back. Was this the legendary holy ghost of NT fame? Had he finally come to his senses and descended upon me in the form of a dove?

No. It turns out I was sitting next to an open(ish) flame gas heater and my favourite t-shirt set on fire. We all had a good laugh. Which is understandable because I was only seconds removed from almost having become a flamed grilled whopper without cheese.

"Miraculously" my temple garment, the proper term for my magical underwear (Quick PTI> inside info: Mormon garments possess special properties of protection which are activated by the wearers personal righteousness), which I wore under my t-shirt was unscathed and so was I. High fives all round.

If I were a 19th century Mormon and if they actually payed tithing back then and I knew what insurance was, I may have been wont to respond thusly: I, Loren, having been true and faithful in all things, was miraculously preserved by the hand of Lord on this day. Spared from the fiery darts of the adversary through obedience to the word of His holy prophet, the anointed mouthpiece of the Father, even Joseph Smith. Like Meshack, Shadrack, and Abednego before me, I was mercifully delivered from the flaming furnace. An honest tithe payer, I stand now as prophecy fulfilled etc, etc. That was suitably hyperbolic I think. Man that felt good.

Gentle reader was this a miracle? Mere coincidence (yep, probably) or destiny? This cost me my best t-shirt, I hope one day to figure it out.

Surveillance and the emergence of evil 1

Over at Mormon Stories, mecca of the new wave of mormon apologetics (I've taken liberties with the term), which entails acknowledging that the institution designated by a title too long to type here is not exactly what it claims to be, but that that's OK; the reasons for this OKness are apparently legion, much of them depend of course on who you ask and how you and/or they are feeling at the time (and Mr Dehlin and friends have done their fair share of asking); anyway, they've been talking (a lot), this time to Daymon Smith author of The Book of Mammon. His insights are profound, fascinating, and incapable of being encapsulated by mere superlatives. I will borrow one of them to kick start this post (it went a little something like this): “The 19th century Jesus was a polygamist, communist, revolutionary…20th century Jesus wears pastel colors, holds sheep and caresses childrens hair.”

What a sound bite. To me it perfectly illustrates the current cultural climate of the church. I mean, given how we started as seer stone totting heretics, how is it that we became the most vanilla culture in the history of the world? The answers are all in the podcast, and it all comes down to the the bane of liberal Mormons everywhere: correlation. All the teachings got streamlined, all the definitions calcified, redundancies were eliminated, any so called speculative pseudo doctrines where eliminated (or rather conveniently ignored), and what we're left with is not open to debate.

Daymon explains quite nicely how we got here. As for where we are now and what that means, well that's what interests me. Mormons are mostly indoctrinated robots, almost incapable of editing their own programming. I feel comfortable making these broad metaphoric generalizations, because I was one of these people. Justification by association if you will. I'm like that guy off Nacho Libre now, I believe in science, so please feel free to indulge my abstracting away of the superfluities so we can examine the cold hard facts (I exaggerate yet again).

What does it all mean? I don't have all the answers, but one consequence of the top-down filtration of acceptable behaviors and beliefs, is that when you buy into the game you've got no choice but to put on all the emperor's new clothes no matter how bad the fit. There is fairly limited wiggle room. They call it the straight and narrow for a reason. In the world of correlated Mormonism conformity is king. The call to strict obedience, no less than what is required of the membership (the mythical act of atonement by one J.C. acting as a buffer against the infinite failures that occur as a result of such lofty and yes, absurd expectations, else there would only be 3 people who attained Celestial Glory, President Monson, myself and um), ensures that we all need put only our best foot forward, and people who have seen my feet can understand how this could be a problem. It is probably true that no religious practice can survive a collision with reality. Masking the underlying casualties may only be possible by constructing an appropriate facade.

this post is spinning wildly out of control, to be continued...

finally: updates on revised mormon living

You need to study the scriptures more. That was the impassioned plea of a dear friend of mine. I have new scriptures now, the Upanishads, Nietzsche, The War of Art, Doctor Seuss etc. This doesn't go over too well. Moving on while remaining in the same place (i.e. infrequently attending church) hasn't set the world on fire either. These are my people, but this isn't my spirituality. It feels like I'm drifting further and further toward the complete and utter self-serving/centered obnoxiousness that has come to typify many of my most recent posts. I've hoisted myself aloft as the new and improved Golden Calf for the 21st century. Is that what my new bankrupt version of The Meaning Of Life has come down to? Yeah probably, and I want to tell the world about it before Moses gets back. I'm a missionary of my own agenda, and I've found thus far the conversion rate rivals that of my LDS mission.

If that didn't make any sense maybe this will: I'm slowly grasping what form of spirituality is pertinent to my life. So, while I continue to distance myself from the institution, which may yet prove to finally institutionalize me for good, still I can't help but hold doggedly to certain aspects that were instilled in me at a young age, and as the proverb says I find that I cannot now depart from.

The Keepers:

• Scripture Study and acts of faith

This was a mainstay back in the day. I was one of those people who would pipe up in class about how I could feel a discernible difference in my life by making this a daily practice. I now reserve such self-congratulatory statements for this blog. Of course I can never go back to the BoM, which after all this time, in my mind, has proven itself to be no more than chloroform in print.

The scriptures are like the placebo effect and Pygmalion effect rolled together into a nice hallucinogen inducing joint. Aren't all belief based propositions? Your faith tells you that fulfilling this obligation will lead to ostensibly favorable treatment from your preferred deity. With your attention firmly fixed on full alert for any and all corroborating evidence, minute "miracles" mysteriously materialize (overuse of alliteration: another unfortunate effect of my upbringing). Things like the notorious God helped me find my keys while millions starve in Africa story start to make sense. Dangerous territory. However, perhaps belief when directed toward less insane outcomes can still be useful.

My inertia is a greater stultifying deterrent to action than physical paralysis, performance anxiety, and the stock piling of nuclear armaments for the purposes of staving off a nuclear winter. Combined. To counteract this unfortunate condition, I need constant encouragement and an occasional kick in the pants. Enter reading material that in my limited wisdom and with dubious authority have pronounced holy. I search these things, wrestling with them to discover and at the same time create whoever and whatever the hell I am. I need this. As I (and you) do these things I testify that...blah blah blah. It helps, maybe only because I believe it does, but hey, who can argue with results even if they are only in the eye of the beholder.

• Sacrament

It's an effective practice to take a moment each week to reflect and rededicate yourself to your chosen path. I am a writer, which means that my highest priorities are browsing the net, engaging in non-productive tasks like alphabetizing my wardrobe and continually challenging my laptop monitor to contests of who can look the most blank (which it routinely wins, but it's always close). I am a writer is like saying God is love. It's only part of the story. If these self-definitions were to correlate with real life output than I'm a shiter would be a more accurate statement. I'm a product of my time, my environment and any other number of factors. Kipple's always trying to get in and distract me (or gift me with raw materials for my work). Wading through the mire and focusing on what's important once in a while keeps me from taking up my true calling as a beach bum whose surfing is strictly limited to the interwebs. Heh, never mind.

• Service

Speaking of what's important. The more things change the more they stay the same. Service has had more lip service sent its way than the back seat of every teenager's car, ever. Boy we'd talk this up at church. Did anyone act on it? I don't know about everyone else, but I sure didn't, not in an especially dedicated way. Zig Ziglar's favorite saying is "You can have anything you want in life, if you help enough people get what they want." Sure he loses some credibility points, because he's a salesman, but he might be on to something. It may be disconcerting that this maxim suggests that helping people is ultimately a selfish act. You know what? I can live with that. To stop thinking about myself momentarily, even if it wasn't purely motivated by charity, well, that would truly be an act of god and I'm fond of those despite my current (non) beliefs.

how to become an atheist in 3 easy steps part 2, god is dead and we killed him

THE nOW

Compare where I was at the beginning of my blogging adventure, a hardcore TBM, to me today, a softcore atheist and part-time apostate, oh and a 30 year old YSA ward rep (how did that happen?). A journey that began with obedience to an apostle of the most high god ended by degrees - after John Dehlin's unintended expose had its way with me - in tears, a brain aneurysm and a month long bender. Note to self: mental breakdowns and alcohol don't mix.

Shortly there after I developed a deep and abiding suspicion that I had just walked into the brick wall that was my own willful ignorance of anything other than what I had been lead to believe. The wall looked as if it had been placed there for a special purpose, and who was I, young as I was and so unacquainted with men and things to come to any certain conclusion what was truly right and what was truly wrong. A definitive decision was put on hold, while I sullenly swept the shattered pieces of my treasured beliefs and new found doubts under the rug.

I'm a wannabe skeptical, secular, intellectual and also a backslider. I like to act like I'm dumb, but hold the irrefutable belief that I'm smarter than everyone else, which is completely ludicrous. So, I value being smart, and especially being right, and yet I kept finding myself drawn back to the fold. After the initial shock wore off, which unfortunately did not take my growing list of "issues" with it, I made a treaty between the bifurcated warring factions inside of me and thought pretty much: fuck it, I'm in. Mormon true-believer it is. God, as they say, had other plans.

If Nietzsche put God in the coffin, these guys surely punched the final nails in for me.

• Bob McCue, who reminded me of pious liars, and philosopher despots
• The church is not true podcast, which reminded me that it's not
• and the Mormon Expression, Book of Abraham podcast, which reminded me how bat-shit crazy it is to believe that Joseph translated anything literally

Arising from the smoldering scraps of my alcoholically catalytic puke, was a stronger, better Loren. Like Pheonix, of X-men fame, without the red hair, boobs or a rockin' spandex leotard (although the latter and middle, would be an all-new, all-different x-something turn), I was ready to blow up the universe. It happened as I lay down one night around about 6 months ago. It finally sank in. This is not true, it's really not true, holy shit, I can't believe it, it's not true. Strike me down and I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. I sat up and decided I was ready to take my life back.

Like Tupac said: It's time for [me] to start makin' some changes. Some one get me a sledge hammer. Hello Wall it's just you, me and mjollnir now.

to summarize:

1. believe in the literalistic correlated version of mormonism
2. discover abhorrently disturbing facts about the literalistic correlated version of mormonism
3. lose all faith in religion

and that's how to become an atheist in 3 easy steps...

step 4 keep going anyway?

TBC in part 3, where to from here?

still sick from super bowl fever

It's been a week and some change since Super Bowl XLIV. On the day of, I couldn't decide who I liked better, since I didn't have a stake in either team. I long for the good old days of the Dallas Cowboys dominating; still on that bandwagon 15 years or so later.

On one side we had Payton Manning, looking to cement his place as the greatest quarterback of all time, with his buddy's: the Indianapolis Colts. On the other was the sentimental favorite, never been to the big dance before, recovering from hurricane Katrina (the media went over the top with this story), underdogs: the New Orleans Saints.

I practically flipped a coin and ended up backing the Colts. A poor decision in retrospect. The Saints arose victorious 31-17. It's amazing, with no real invested interest in the outcome, aside from the "choice" to support the Colts just before kick off, still I found myself cheering for my team more and more vociferously as the game went on. I felt sometimes as if I were one of the sheeple in 1984 ecstatically chanting: "B-B, B-B, B-B."

Once we've made up our minds (or perhaps I should speak only for myself in this instance), it would seem that confirmation bias kicks in almost instantly. Decision's aren't always made as explicitly or haphazardly as I did with this one. I stood to gain nothing if my pick had proven successful, accept possibly basking in the reflected glory of the victors, which would have been denied my mates (who supported the opposing) team and allowed myself the opportunity to make their lives a tad more miserable.

Every point scored by my boys, brought exultant cheers on my part, every perceived slight by the refs or the opposition incurred my unholy wrath. Is everything just an elaborate version of the emperor's new clothes? We see things that just aren't there (did I mention that I don't think the church is "True", just thought I'd slip that in there, and in the interest of fairness I still think overall the church is good, yep there's no escaping my strange relationship with Mormonism). I don't know if we can ever really step out of ourselves and look back reflexively, because our internal value system will always color what we see. Freedom is constrained by the limitations of our own prejudice. Perhaps I'm just looking for ways to escape my own being, in search of unifying myself with something larger. Anyways, in future, I'll do well to make choices based on more than chance.

how to become an atheist in 3 easy steps part 1

Hi, Loren Hopkins, post post Mormon, recovering slacker, all around stand up guy. Walk with me now, as we journey down the perilous path that leads to eternal damnation or as I like to call it emancipation...

THE EARLY YEARS (or my Blue Period)

I, Loren, having been born blah blah,

It began innocently, as most lives do, in the largest city of the most insignificant country, at bottom of the world. The land of the long white cloud, New Zealand, home to the All Blacks, a disproportionate number of the planets sheep population, and a boy who didn't know any better.

I was a quiet child given to bouts of deep introspection, that's how I like to remember it, but in truth I was absent minded and when my attention was diverted from present concerns it found itself focused on nothing in particular. The halcyon days of youth as they say. My later experiments with meditation can no doubt be traced back to those empty headed excursions of my early years.

Time marched on and though I felt out of step with its beat I had little choice but to keep formation. The journey was all do this's and don't do that's. Along the way I was introduced to religion. Nice to make your acquaintance. I had a natural affinity for Mormonism and gravitated toward its monolithic pull. I devoured the doctrine and stories far more rapidly than many of my peers. I thought that I was gifted (which encouraged me to keep learning), but later realized I just happened to grow up around an unusually large amount of unusually slow people.

THE MIDDLE YEARS

OK lets get to the juicy bits, I was a mostly a good mormon boy and ate up absolutely everything I was taught. Ticked all the boxes too: priesthood holder, seminary graduate, endowment recipient, return missionary, multiple callings hog, married in the temple. The last one didn't actually happen. I was well on my way to 3rd degree celestial burns until one day while bored at work I stumbled upon Mormon Stories. Game over. 9 to 5 free internet access can be a dangerous thing.

Mormon Stories (not the type of stories that my teachers told to me bom, bom) was intended to help people struggling with difficult issues relating to the church. It had the opposite effect with me. Poor John, I'm sure in my own small way I contributed to the shutting down of the entire enterprise. Thankfully he's back now, doing what he does best. After smashing through the complete catalogue, I just had to write him (circa August 2008):

Dear John,

I've always wanted to start a letter that way. I discovered your podcast about a month ago and have just about listened to every last show. You know how Cypher (in the Matrix) says that ignorance is bliss, I think I should have taken the blue pill. The unfortunate thing is when they let you out of Plato's cave there's no way you're ever getting back in again. I was a good faithful member, had been a missionary, a Young Men's President, an Elders Quorum president. My only major "failing" so far is that I'm not married in the temple yet. You must be so sick of emails like this.

Well, about one month ago I wouldn't have questioned the truthfulness of the church even one iota. I've got to say a lot can change in one month. Now, many of the issue's which you raised I encountered in some form or another on my mission, but I dismissed many of them as half truths and lies cooked up by enemies of the church. When they come from people in the church I tend to pay a little more attention. Brigham Young made a prophetic career out of making offensive and questionable statements, I'd made peace with those long ago. But to see the fall from grace of my golden boy, the man, The Prophet, Joseph that was almost too much. I literally cried myself to sleep when I found out about polyandry and the angel with the flaming sword, did he just make this whole thing up? Then all the other wonderful details piled on, the seer stones in a hat, treasure hunting, selling the Book of Mormon copyright, the book of Abraham, DNA. Where have I been my whole life? It was weird, then I started thinking about other things that don't quite jive with my Mormon world view, evolution and the fall of man? Before this I was happy to let things like that slide. Well, "Sometimes the truth isn't good enough, sometimes people deserve more, sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded" (I've seen the Dark Knight way too many times); I can understand the dilemma in some sense of what the Brethren experience.

As I've actually entertained the idea that there might not be a God at all, that this is all there is, I've started to be a lot nicer, strange. In saying all this I have a feeling that God is real, that there was something that Joseph Smith experienced with Him and that's the only reason I'm sticking around. I want to be a TBM again, I want to know it all and believe anyway. In the end "the truth cuts its own way." Thank you John for the truth, hopefully "I can take it."

Much Love,

Loren

Two Dark Knight references in one email. Not bad. TBC

me and my provisional view of mormonism

Where do I stand on the core issues surrounding our faith? I don't even know what faith means any more, but as far as I can tell it's something like: If it doesn't make sense then it must be true. I'm being unfair, yet I can't see any arbitrators of fairness pointing at me accusingly with spears at the ready to strike me down in condemnation of my ill found conclusion. Perhaps I have a form of faith in fairness, given the non-presence of a physical entity as enforcer, and so I am left to ponder the breadth and depth of my ignorance upon a great many subjects wherewith I am unfit to make comment. Sometimes you just believe something because it feels right. At the end of the day you're another day older, and that's all you can say for the life of the poor. I mean at the end of the day, you've got to go with your gut. What else is there?

Even atheists (like me), and also the virulent variety, who prize that most evasive of treasures, Truth, above all else must occasionally leap into the vast expanse of the unknown. Is there any law that proves that reductive reasoning holds all the answers i.e. simple explanations are better than complex ones? Can we measure love or justice. I think not. But just because one cannot speak (scientifically) of these things, does not mean that one must remain silent in their regard. I'm sure there are subtle and complex explanations for why simplicity is better and there are reasons offered for how and why qualia matters. There are meta rules that we accept on the basis that they are useful. I'm an atheist because at the end of the day you get nothing for nothing, sitting flat on your butt doesn't buy any bread, OK enough, at the end of the day it feels right, the secular/humanist world view resonates with me. I find it useful to know that I'm not going to live forever. I go with my gut.

I have an idea why I'm an atheist, but I'm wondering why I'm still a Mormon (a post over at irresistible disgrace got me thinking about this). Bear with me while I arrange my prejudices. There are a number of factors at play, my bishop is the man, I grew up as a Mormon so it's comfy, I like many of the values in Mormonism. These are all good reasons in my mind to hang around. But mostly I just have a feeling that it's not time to leave yet. I don't know why I'm here. That's what it comes down to really, there's no clear explanation. My gut has spoken.

WWJD 3

see also: WWJD 0, WWJD 1, WWJD 2, WWJD = What Would Joseph (Smith) Do?

Disclaimer: I think Joseph Smith was a genius, perhaps slightly deluded, but a genius nonetheless...

These have gotten progressively less funny each time. Apologies, as chance would have it I actually live by them, which in some strange way robs them of any humor, yet they maintain a certain standard of absurdity, with which I am rather happy.

We have touched thus far on the events surrounding Joseph Smith's death, add one more to the list: On the night that he was killed smokin' Joe wasn't wearing his temple garments. *Gasp* Just imagine, things could have been vastly different, those bullets could have bounced right off our Testicular Testator, if only he'd done his washing. On my mission and, I'm not joking right now, I was miraculously preserved seemingly by the magical properties of my now owner-less garments (but that's a story for another time). Let this be a lesson to us all, if you don't want to die wear your Gs. It really works I'm told, however the question remains what was he wearing? A tidy pair of undies at the very least one hopes, but the looming specter of going commando is a possibility that cannot be easily dismissed. We may never know. Here's what I do know...

3. Overt or extreme demonstrations of religiosity should be kept to a minimum.

Proselytizing may fall in the a-bit-over-the-top-camp. Which may sound hypocritical coming from a guy who's evangelizing his own ideas about the world to the world, but I didn't physically or virtually spam anyone to get my message out there. Let the forces of the meritocracy decide what will be seen and what wont. You have beliefs fine, we all do, tell me about them sure, just don't bludgeon me to death with them.

Also, I live in a place that's normally around 30 degrees Celsius so temple garments are impractical at best, and annoying at worst, and now that I think about it they just seem really weird. Joseph preached when it was time to preach, drank when it was time to drink, picked up woman when he got the chance, took guns to gun fights (very Ecclesiastes), and wore his religion on his sleeve (and his body) in moderation. I wish we could all be a little more like Joseph.

breaking circles

goals for 2010 and beyond...

Let's quickly recount my previous significant romantic relationships.

While I tabulate, contemplate this: what is the sound of one hand clapping? That might give you some idea as to where we're headed.

Outstanding.

This is now officially ridiculous. The results are in and they're not exactly shall we say a ringing endorsement of my romantic prowess.

Flash forward to recent history, my post apostasy period, not much has changed except my entire paradigm, but I can't leave (the church) yet, I'm a ghost with unfinished business. You know how on the Dark Knight, wise old Alfred teaches us that some people just want to see the world burn? Well, I'm not one of those people, but sometimes I come dangerously close.

I attend my final YSA convention at the border of this year and last. There are hot girls everywhere, most of whom weren't even alive when I first got the Aaronic Priesthood, Joe Smith would be having a field day.

Flash back to about a month ago. One of my mates approaches me and asks if I can chip in to help finance a PUA course that he wants to do. I'm not that rich, but his asking peaks my interest. As a result I end up watching the entire second season of VH1's, The Pick Up Artist. Mystery and his wingmen are weird, but by all accounts their methods seem effective.

This is a whole 'nother world with it's own rules and language. There are IOIs, DHV, DLV, sets, Kino, Targets, routine stacks blah blah. I can see why these geeks do what they do, and while it would be tempting to implement their techniques for my own evil ends, I really don't think it's entirely my thing, partly maybe, but there's something just seedy and dishonest about "gaming". Perhaps my time at church learned me some morals after all.

I think I've highlighted my strong moral fibre sufficiently, return to the present and I can't help it I have to try some of this. I like girls. I am also an insufferably frigid introvert. My primary focus is not bedding woman, as funny as that would be to try at a YSA event, no I'd just like to be able to talk to people comfortably. No use trying to work on calculus when I can't even do algebra. So I approach "sets" of peeps when the mood takes me, over the course of conference, and I work the crowds and I surprisingly don't run out of things to say and my nerves are terrible just before I start but after that everything's fine. I walk in, join a circle of strangers and begin talking crap. Being the center of attention is surprisingly intoxicating, being wary at this point would be wise. Don't get too carried away. You're not the man yet...

...But I'm on my way, this year I want to expand my social skills, the range of my ability to communicate, it's time to loosen up a little: I want to be able to connect with people. Not the easiest of goals to measure, but I will be able tell within myself if I've achieved it or not. Engaging people in conversation is actually cool. I don't believe it. It seems like this whole time I've been worried about nothing. I'm finding that seems to be the pattern lately.

ysa veteran retires on top

This is Loren Hopkins aka "the baddest abs on campus" aka lady killer 2.0 aka "in my dreams" (except for the abs, they're real) reporting live from: "One Heart One Mind" Unite '09-'10 National YSA Convention 09-10 *gasp for air*. It's the end of an era, my retirement party from the illustrious ranks of the YSA is winding down and I can look forward with calloused hands and a heavy heart to the dawn of a new epoch as I enter the special needs group known as the dreaded Single Adults. It's time to start looking elsewhere I think. Highlights to come...

**UPDATE**

I've just read the above and realized that there's no actual content in this post. Let's change that.

WTF are tithing funds for?

} If {

the most important decision you'll make in your life is who you marry and marrying is best done with someone who shares your general world view and you can't become a god and live with your family forever without participating in this practice

}Then {

wouldn't it be nice for the bishop's storehouse to pitch in and perhaps subsidize this event and help facilitate the desired union. I know the example's tired but if the church can afford a $2 billion mall with non-tithing funds then couldn't they use some of their/our surplus cash money to sponsor poor suckers (in more ways then one) like myself at these type of gatherings. Maybe they did pitch in some, but with the cost involved it sure doesn't seem like it. All I'm saying is a price tag of $450 for 4 days is as steep as a cliff. With everyone who went our combined monies came in at around half a mill, that's a lot of money. On the plus side the food was surprisingly awesome.

Me VS. Elder Hamula

Nice guy. Really. As the area authority president of the pacific region this sagacious seventy paid a dutiful visit to our lil' old convention and carried out a Q&A session (these are my favs). I didn't put my hand up fast enough in the first session, so I hung around for the second. Boom I get to ask the first question. It went a little something like this... If you google Mormon you'll come across many things, there's the fundamentalist evangelicals, the militant atheists and they say whatever it is they have to say about Mormonism. Then there's the bloggernacle a group of "members" who are deeply interested in all things mormon, now many of these people are what you might call liberal mormons meaning they don't necessarily subscribe to the orthodox teachings or the church, this is because they might have an issue with say the controversies surrounding the restoration of the church or certain doctorinal concerns. For people like this where do we go to find answers? Do we go to the apologists whose answers don't always align with the leadership? What do we do? What do I do?

This guy is unflappable I'll tell you what, he acted like this was a normal everyday question, maybe it is now days, I don't know, but you could barely even tell he was sweating. There's was a mumble of whispers after I'd finished and I smiled. Unsurprisingly he said that people of the sort that I described needed to stick to the basics i.e. scripture study and prayer and such like, this is how answers are found. OK. That there would be questions that do come up that are difficult and that he had had a few of his own over the years. Puzzlers of this nature needed to be put a side for the moment then he gestured to the side with his hands creating at least in my mind a metaphorical shelf (his hands were widely spaced, so a big one at that). To his credit he said not to ignore the concerns but to return to them as new knowledge became available.

If I could do it again I'd ask a slightly different version of the question, because I think I failed to highlight the magnitude of my own personal crisis of faith over these issues. Also because I'm a nice guy sometimes, I didn't mention any of the issues specifically even though I really wanted to. Next time someones going to be tap dancing I promise. One brave soul later in the piece asked about the churches stance on gay marriage (she obviously didn't agree with it), good for her. I instantly regretted not being brave enough to drop some testimony shakers on the unsuspecting attendees. At the end he told us that if we take nothing from what he'd said, he hoped that we'd witnessed someone who loves us doing his best to answer us with sincerity and understanding. I think he mostly succeeded I just don't know about the verity of his answers.

Result: Tie

Dang you Hamula! Next time you're mine!

WWJD 0

What Would Joseph Do? Well, what wouldn't he do? I'm finding it hard to keep up. We need a general rule that encompasses the full range of these activities, which extend far beyond the boundaries of his own religion and surprisingly even the scope of this blog entry, thus fully preparing us to receive further light and knowledge at some unspecified future period. I can't wait. We've had rules 1 and 2 already, each of which profoundly moved all those who read them (I have it on good authority: I have a really good feeling that what I just said was true, so it must be), but we haven't even covered the cardinal rule yet, so without further ad0:

0. Don't do anything that Joseph wouldn't do (with the possible exception of 14 year old girls).

These are words to live by.

Blah: We will return of to our regular programming of non-anti-Mormon bashing after I've processed my issues. I should be done in a week, possibly a year.

spring cleaning in pandora's box

Yesterday I kind of let slip with the fam that I'm no longer a fully institutionalized member of Mormonism. Oops. On reflection I could have delivered this bombshell in a more delicate fashion, but no matter how gently you hit the trigger, when dealing with explosives, some one's bound to get hurt . Oh well, better out than in, honesty is the best policy even if the church disagrees (not in principle but in practice). I still have no idea what to do with the remnants of my spirituality. There's atheism, existentialism, mysticism. It's a work in progress. I'm considering taking up a Mormon Think like approach, but I'm pretty bad at hiding my identity. So, I'll just have to be an agent for change within the church, out in the open. Let's see how long I last.

UPDATE next time baby when dealing with propositions which can't be proven watch out...

WWJD 2: When I say no drinking, I mean only sometimes

Moving backwards through time, reprising our narrative (very) shortly before Joseph's death, he and his imprisoned buddies decided to sit down for a good old fashioned drinking session to help raise the spirits. According to the Word of Wisdom (a code of health for Mormons) "strong drinks" are and were prohibited (along with their forbidden cousins "hot drinks" of the same revelation, these broadly labeled and loosely defined substances have been subject to different interpretations at different times). Strong drinks today mean anything with alcohol content, during Joseph's life it appears that the WoW was only a suggestion, or that some alcohols were acceptable while others were not, or that the rules applied to the general membership of the church and not its gatekeepers. Regardless, there was much singing and wine and rejoicing and likely the types of bold declarations of manly love that often accompany imbibing copious amounts alcohol, which leads us of course to rule number:

2. BE CAUTIOUSLY ALCOHOLIC (abstaining from drinking is like the 'i' before 'e' except after 'c' rule: there are many, many exceptions.)

Bonus Aside:

I find it puzzling that we'll use science to bolster our position on certain issues like the Word of Wisdom. "See, Joseph received this revelation over 170 years ago about how to stay healthy and today science verifies he was right." Predictably when big bad science disagrees with our position (i.e. literal interpretations of events from the Old Testament) we reject it out of hand as the "wisdom of the world." That's bad form in my opinion. What has science ever done to you? Given you hot water, electricity, the internet, global warming, atomic bombs. OK, sure it's not all good, but that's because all too often we misuse it (the same can be said for religion). Speaking from a Mormon perspective, if we're here to gain experience and learn from it, then we are already, after a fashion, involved in a scientific type of enterprise. And so, experience we shall, try a glass, a little bit wont hurt, Joseph would have wanted it that way. 'ere's to your 'ealth.

Editors note: I don't actually encourage the consumption of alcohol. It is highly overrated.

WWJD 1

What would Joseph do? Our beloved founder and exemplary paragon of virtue par excellence has been on my mind lately. Now we don't worship Joseph, but we revere and honor him as a prophet or something. The 'J', I know, usually stands for someone else, but come on Jesus was a superhero. Being idealistic is cool and all, but I prefer a dash of conservative pragmatism with my reality, so for me lowering the bar is wholly acceptable. I need not scrape the bottom of the barrel though, far from it, I mean who's done more to advance the plight of homo sapiens (Jesus excluded from consideration, of course) than good ol' Joe Smith; living up to Joseph's impeccable example will be a mighty challenge indeed. Let's begin at the end shall we (borrowing rule number 233 from 1001 rules for my unborn son):

1.GO DOWN FIGHTING!

below: Joseph at Carthage Jail inaccurately depicted without a gun.

"Oh Lord, my God is there no help for a widows son?" That's a negative.

If an angry mob's out to kill you, your brother and your friends, pack heat and f*ck up as many of them as possible (before being shot dead). That's what Joseph would do.

The Buzz Aldren of Mormonism

Below: Joseph working hard on his translation of the Book of Mormon

Inspired by a post and comments at BCC...

Joseph smith: folk magician, successful author, prolific womanizer. Among these impressive achievements he is also revered as a prophet of God by millions of Mormons the world over. Justification for this position - a testimony given by way of the Holy Spirit - will be examined later, as for now a simple thought: In the mainline church Joseph's divine calling is a central tenet, more so than any of his successors. Go to any Mormon testimony meeting (held on the first Sunday of every month) and you'll hear among the eclectic anecdotes that there is a God and that Joseph was his prophet, if the modern equivalent is lucky he'll receive an honorable mention, the others however are rarely ever spoken of in this manner. This is incredibly unfair to Brigham Young. He had almost as many wives as his predecessor and dabbled in polyandry to boot, you don't get much more Mormon than that. Moreover, the fact that there is a mainline church tells us that other branches exist.

During the succession crisis after Joseph Smith's death there were a number of would be prophets in waiting ready to make a power grab. Brigham was successful where others weren't by arguing that the Quorum of the Twelve, a unit within the church of which he happened to be the leader, had received all the keys and authority of God that Joseph had restored and that although no man could replace their dearly departed prophet, that this group should carry on directing the church in his stead. He later changed his mind and decided he was a prophet after all (in the same way Joseph was?) and was sustained by the general membership as such. Other groups who disagreed splintered off formulating their own versions of Joseph's theology/theocracy. Imagine today, we (normal Mormons, that may be a misnomer) could instead be almost as non-existent as the Strangites if things had gone differently; or fundamentalists still practicing polygamy - score! Or progressive enough to allow woman the priesthood - Go reorganites! But we're good old fashioned normal Mormons and it's all thanks to Brigham Young, except he doesn't get any. It's a crime. Sure he gave us the Adam-God theory and Blood Atonement, but even prophets make mistakes sometimes. I propose that we add a new basic proposition to our testimonies: I know that Brigham Young was a prophet. (I think). So shall it be written so shall it be done.

A little old school

To get me started here's a flash back to an old journal entry, just to get me back into the right flow, please excuse the exaggerated verbose language...

13 November 2007
I was wandering our wondrous metropolis (Auckland) and by chance bumped into a former University acquaintance. Louie shared with me his concerns about studying a BA, I was reluctant to dissuade him from his position, having graduated a philosophy major I know all too well the merit of said degree. I became a little flustered and wanted to depart at the most socially acceptable convenience (I was hungry), but he was intent on sharing his story. A little nudge came from what may have been the Holy Ghost. I thought that this was a good a time as any to share the gospel since my long lost acquaintance was fixed on engaging me so. To make the transition from educational misgivings to spiritual rejoicings, I first asked for his contact details, he inexplicably didn't know his own cell number (He is probably over 40 and hence new to the technology game); I seized upon this opportunity offering my own details as consolation, written on a pass along card no less. I offhandedly offered the DVD which can be ordered for free via the number on the back of the card as an early Christmas present. He seemed quite happy to investigate. "Wise as serpents and harmless as doves" somebody smart said that one time.

Hello World!

"There are conversations going on about the Church constantly. Those conversations will continue whether or not we choose to participate in them. But we cannot stand on the sidelines while others, including our critics, attempt to define what the Church teaches. While some conversations have audiences in the thousands or even millions, most are much, much smaller. But all conversations have an impact on those who participate in them. Perceptions of the Church are established one conversation at a time." M. Russell Ballard

Disclaimer as Preamble: The views expressed in this blog are the author's and do not (necessarily) represent those of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints... Of course I'll do my best to get it right. In the spirit of Nephi's "small plates" I'll record spiritual experiences and gospel insights - which will hopefully be appropriate for Internet consumption. We can look through the glass darkly or in a less archaic form: watch static on TV, but either of these seem far less useful than seeking out the clarity that the truth brings and deny us the fun of virally infecting the entire Internet with it. I'm game, let's start talking, let me know what you think.