WWJD 3

see also: WWJD 0, WWJD 1, WWJD 2, WWJD = What Would Joseph (Smith) Do?

Disclaimer: I think Joseph Smith was a genius, perhaps slightly deluded, but a genius nonetheless...

These have gotten progressively less funny each time. Apologies, as chance would have it I actually live by them, which in some strange way robs them of any humor, yet they maintain a certain standard of absurdity, with which I am rather happy.

We have touched thus far on the events surrounding Joseph Smith's death, add one more to the list: On the night that he was killed smokin' Joe wasn't wearing his temple garments. *Gasp* Just imagine, things could have been vastly different, those bullets could have bounced right off our Testicular Testator, if only he'd done his washing. On my mission and, I'm not joking right now, I was miraculously preserved seemingly by the magical properties of my now owner-less garments (but that's a story for another time). Let this be a lesson to us all, if you don't want to die wear your Gs. It really works I'm told, however the question remains what was he wearing? A tidy pair of undies at the very least one hopes, but the looming specter of going commando is a possibility that cannot be easily dismissed. We may never know. Here's what I do know...

3. Overt or extreme demonstrations of religiosity should be kept to a minimum.

Proselytizing may fall in the a-bit-over-the-top-camp. Which may sound hypocritical coming from a guy who's evangelizing his own ideas about the world to the world, but I didn't physically or virtually spam anyone to get my message out there. Let the forces of the meritocracy decide what will be seen and what wont. You have beliefs fine, we all do, tell me about them sure, just don't bludgeon me to death with them.

Also, I live in a place that's normally around 30 degrees Celsius so temple garments are impractical at best, and annoying at worst, and now that I think about it they just seem really weird. Joseph preached when it was time to preach, drank when it was time to drink, picked up woman when he got the chance, took guns to gun fights (very Ecclesiastes), and wore his religion on his sleeve (and his body) in moderation. I wish we could all be a little more like Joseph.

WWJD 0

What Would Joseph Do? Well, what wouldn't he do? I'm finding it hard to keep up. We need a general rule that encompasses the full range of these activities, which extend far beyond the boundaries of his own religion and surprisingly even the scope of this blog entry, thus fully preparing us to receive further light and knowledge at some unspecified future period. I can't wait. We've had rules 1 and 2 already, each of which profoundly moved all those who read them (I have it on good authority: I have a really good feeling that what I just said was true, so it must be), but we haven't even covered the cardinal rule yet, so without further ad0:

0. Don't do anything that Joseph wouldn't do (with the possible exception of 14 year old girls).

These are words to live by.

Blah: We will return of to our regular programming of non-anti-Mormon bashing after I've processed my issues. I should be done in a week, possibly a year.

WWJD 2: When I say no drinking, I mean only sometimes

Moving backwards through time, reprising our narrative (very) shortly before Joseph's death, he and his imprisoned buddies decided to sit down for a good old fashioned drinking session to help raise the spirits. According to the Word of Wisdom (a code of health for Mormons) "strong drinks" are and were prohibited (along with their forbidden cousins "hot drinks" of the same revelation, these broadly labeled and loosely defined substances have been subject to different interpretations at different times). Strong drinks today mean anything with alcohol content, during Joseph's life it appears that the WoW was only a suggestion, or that some alcohols were acceptable while others were not, or that the rules applied to the general membership of the church and not its gatekeepers. Regardless, there was much singing and wine and rejoicing and likely the types of bold declarations of manly love that often accompany imbibing copious amounts alcohol, which leads us of course to rule number:

2. BE CAUTIOUSLY ALCOHOLIC (abstaining from drinking is like the 'i' before 'e' except after 'c' rule: there are many, many exceptions.)

Bonus Aside:

I find it puzzling that we'll use science to bolster our position on certain issues like the Word of Wisdom. "See, Joseph received this revelation over 170 years ago about how to stay healthy and today science verifies he was right." Predictably when big bad science disagrees with our position (i.e. literal interpretations of events from the Old Testament) we reject it out of hand as the "wisdom of the world." That's bad form in my opinion. What has science ever done to you? Given you hot water, electricity, the internet, global warming, atomic bombs. OK, sure it's not all good, but that's because all too often we misuse it (the same can be said for religion). Speaking from a Mormon perspective, if we're here to gain experience and learn from it, then we are already, after a fashion, involved in a scientific type of enterprise. And so, experience we shall, try a glass, a little bit wont hurt, Joseph would have wanted it that way. 'ere's to your 'ealth.

Editors note: I don't actually encourage the consumption of alcohol. It is highly overrated.

WWJD 1

What would Joseph do? Our beloved founder and exemplary paragon of virtue par excellence has been on my mind lately. Now we don't worship Joseph, but we revere and honor him as a prophet or something. The 'J', I know, usually stands for someone else, but come on Jesus was a superhero. Being idealistic is cool and all, but I prefer a dash of conservative pragmatism with my reality, so for me lowering the bar is wholly acceptable. I need not scrape the bottom of the barrel though, far from it, I mean who's done more to advance the plight of homo sapiens (Jesus excluded from consideration, of course) than good ol' Joe Smith; living up to Joseph's impeccable example will be a mighty challenge indeed. Let's begin at the end shall we (borrowing rule number 233 from 1001 rules for my unborn son):

1.GO DOWN FIGHTING!

below: Joseph at Carthage Jail inaccurately depicted without a gun.

"Oh Lord, my God is there no help for a widows son?" That's a negative.

If an angry mob's out to kill you, your brother and your friends, pack heat and f*ck up as many of them as possible (before being shot dead). That's what Joseph would do.

BoM: The title page 1

"I wish to mention here that the title-page of the Book of Mormon is a literal translation, taken from the very last leaf, on the left hand side of the collection or book of plates, which contained the record which has been translated; …and that said title-page is not…a modern composition, either of mine or of any other man who has lived or does live in this generation" -- Joseph Smith (HC 1:71.). 

The Book of Mormon has been a source of controversy since before it was even made available for sale back in 1830. There are numerous theories which attempt to explain its origin. Did Sydney Rigdon help Joseph write it? Did Joseph fabricate the entire thing, pulling it figuratively out of a hat while literally doing the same? Did he just plain plagiarize its content, borrowing heavily from the Old Testament, the contemporary text, The View of the Hebrews, and/or others? Ask the man himself and he would have told you that he was lead to a collection of plates, buried in the side of hill near his home in Palmyra New York, by an angel named Moroni, and that those plates were translated into what we know as the Book of Mormon today (with a thousand or so minor changes). 

As origin stories go it is certainly fantastical, and skepticism is understandable. For those who believe in the bible, dismissing the BoM because of the miraculous circumstances surrounding its  translation/creation are probably less warranted. There were plenty of angels floating around during biblical times, why can't they do the same now? Before I expertly eviscerate any further arguments against the truth claims of the Book of Mormon I will move on to the text itself which is the whole point of this study anyway, leaving the apologetics to more qualified organisations and individuals, the attacks are too vast and varied to address in this post. Suffice it to say, wow, an angel and gold plates, you just don't see that kind of thing everyday. 

The angel in question is the resurrected version of the final contributor and assistant compiler of the Book of Mormon: Moroni himself, who was the son of the book's name sake, one Mormon of ancient America. Let's get into what Mormon says the Book of Mormon is about, examining the title page: The Book of Mormon's mission statement, if you will...