READER BEWARE (inside info): Mormons like me self have a cute nickname for not getting atomically scorched off the face of the earth when Jesus comes again. It's called paying your "fire insurance". For only 10% of your income each year, you can rest easy in the thought that only shouts of joy and not abject agony will be emanating from your mouth when good ol' JC finally gets around to that second coming (while your infidel friends burn to death all around you). & why would the Tiger Woods of compassion institute such a policy? Because he's God silly.
...Back to the mission. It so happened, that a group of elders and I were gathered at one of the our flats, celebrating another successful day at having annoyed a lot of people, when I felt a mildly warm sensation come over my back. Was this the legendary holy ghost of NT fame? Had he finally come to his senses and descended upon me in the form of a dove?
No. It turns out I was sitting next to an open(ish) flame gas heater and my favourite t-shirt set on fire. We all had a good laugh. Which is understandable because I was only seconds removed from almost having become a flamed grilled whopper without cheese.
"Miraculously" my temple garment, the proper term for my magical underwear (Quick PTI> inside info: Mormon garments possess special properties of protection which are activated by the wearers personal righteousness), which I wore under my t-shirt was unscathed and so was I. High fives all round.
If I were a 19th century Mormon and if they actually payed tithing back then and I knew what insurance was, I may have been wont to respond thusly: I, Loren, having been true and faithful in all things, was miraculously preserved by the hand of Lord on this day. Spared from the fiery darts of the adversary through obedience to the word of His holy prophet, the anointed mouthpiece of the Father, even Joseph Smith. Like Meshack, Shadrack, and Abednego before me, I was mercifully delivered from the flaming furnace. An honest tithe payer, I stand now as prophecy fulfilled etc, etc. That was suitably hyperbolic I think. Man that felt good.
Gentle reader was this a miracle? Mere coincidence (yep, probably) or destiny? This cost me my best t-shirt, I hope one day to figure it out.
