THE nOW
Compare where I was at the beginning of my blogging adventure, a hardcore TBM, to me today, a softcore atheist and part-time apostate, oh and a 30 year old YSA ward rep (how did that happen?). A journey that began with obedience to an apostle of the most high god ended by degrees - after John Dehlin's unintended expose had its way with me - in tears, a brain aneurysm and a month long bender. Note to self: mental breakdowns and alcohol don't mix.
Shortly there after I developed a deep and abiding suspicion that I had just walked into the brick wall that was my own willful ignorance of anything other than what I had been lead to believe. The wall looked as if it had been placed there for a special purpose, and who was I, young as I was and so unacquainted with men and things to come to any certain conclusion what was truly right and what was truly wrong. A definitive decision was put on hold, while I sullenly swept the shattered pieces of my treasured beliefs and new found doubts under the rug.
I'm a wannabe skeptical, secular, intellectual and also a backslider. I like to act like I'm dumb, but hold the irrefutable belief that I'm smarter than everyone else, which is completely ludicrous. So, I value being smart, and especially being right, and yet I kept finding myself drawn back to the fold. After the initial shock wore off, which unfortunately did not take my growing list of "issues" with it, I made a treaty between the bifurcated warring factions inside of me and thought pretty much: fuck it, I'm in. Mormon true-believer it is. God, as they say, had other plans.
If Nietzsche put God in the coffin, these guys surely punched the final nails in for me.
- Bob McCue, who reminded me of pious liars, and philosopher despots
- The church is not true podcast, which reminded me that it's not
- and the Mormon Expression, Book of Abraham podcast, which reminded me how bat-shit crazy it is to believe that Joseph translated anything literally
Arising from the smoldering scraps of my alcoholically catalytic puke, was a stronger, better Loren. Like Pheonix, of X-men fame, without the red hair, boobs or a rockin' spandex leotard (although the latter and middle, would be an all-new, all-different x-something turn), I was ready to blow up the universe. It happened as I lay down one night around about 6 months ago. It finally sank in. This is not true, it's really not true, holy shit, I can't believe it, it's not true. Strike me down and I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. I sat up and decided I was ready to take my life back.
Like Tupac said: It's time for [me] to start makin' some changes. Some one get me a sledge hammer. Hello Wall it's just you, me and mjollnir now.
to summarize:
- believe in the literalistic correlated version of mormonism
- discover abhorrently disturbing facts about the literalistic correlated version of mormonism
- lose all faith in religion
and that's how to become an atheist in 3 easy steps...
step 4 keep going anyway?
TBC in part 3, where to from here?
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