Monday, February 22, 2010

how to become an atheist in 3 easy steps part 2, god is dead and we killed him


Compare where I was at the beginning of my blogging adventure, a hardcore TBM, to me today, a softcore atheist and part-time apostate, oh and a 30 year old YSA ward rep (how did that happen?). A journey that began with obedience to an apostle of the most high god ended by degrees - after John Dehlin's unintended expose had its way with me - in tears, a brain aneurysm and a month long bender. Note to self: mental breakdowns and alcohol don't mix.

Shortly there after I developed a deep and abiding suspicion that I had just walked into the brick wall that was my own willful ignorance of anything other than what I had been lead to believe. The wall looked as if it had been placed there for a special purpose, and who was I, young as I was and so unacquainted with men and things to come to any certain conclusion what was truly right and what was truly wrong. A definitive decision was put on hold, while I sullenly swept the shattered pieces of my treasured beliefs and new found doubts under the rug.

I'm a wannabe skeptical, secular, intellectual and also a backslider. I like to act like I'm dumb, but hold the irrefutable belief that I'm smarter than everyone else, which is completely ludicrous. So, I value being smart, and especially being right, and yet I kept finding myself drawn back to the fold. After the initial shock wore off, which unfortunately did not take my growing list of "issues" with it, I made a treaty between the bifurcated warring factions inside of me and thought pretty much: fuck it, I'm in. Mormon true-believer it is. God, as they say, had other plans.

If Nietzsche put God in the coffin, these guys surely punched the final nails in for me.
Arising from the smoldering scraps of my alcoholically catalytic puke, was a stronger, better Loren. Like Pheonix, of X-men fame, without the red hair, boobs or a rockin' spandex leotard (although the latter and middle, would be an all-new, all-different x-something turn), I was ready to blow up the universe. It happened as I lay down one night around about 6 months ago. It finally sank in. This is not true, it's really not true, holy shit, I can't believe it, it's not true. Strike me down and I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. I sat up and decided I was ready to take my life back.

Like Tupac said: It's time for [me] to start makin' some changes. Some one get me a sledge hammer. Hello Wall it's just you, me and mjollnir now.

to summarize:
  1. believe in the literalistic correlated version of mormonism
  2. discover abhorrently disturbing facts about the literalistic correlated version of mormonism
  3. lose all faith in religion
and that's how to become an atheist in 3 easy steps...

step 4 keep going anyway?

TBC in part 3, where to from here?

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