116 The Acts of Galahad 1

...I managed through an act of sheer will, the size of which is exceeded only by the magnitude of the universe itself, to stave off the titillating advances of the buxom maidens, popularly known as the Minstrels of the Moon, whose sole purpose in life seemingly, was to relieve Knights such as myself (though if we are to be honest there have been few if any knights whose stars have burned with either the luster or glory as that of my own) of all virtue and honour. I was sorely tempted, as I'm sure you'll agree, was an understandable response, but I was ever constant and unerring in my quest. I look back with wonder and awe at my own resiliency. I truly was a marvel... The revelry of former adventurers with my current hosts had  in all probability spawned the wretched creatures whom I had dispatched during my decent into this den of iniquity. I politely declined their generous offer, having no desire to contribute to the underwordly population which I had so recently culled, with the understanding that Midina, one of their number, would accompany me as a guide for as long as necessity required, the alternative being death by Dragon Fire... They wisely assented and Midina led Thomas(Tommy) and I deeper into the dungeon in search of the grail...

an abridgement of Galahad's tale recounted in the presence of Simon, which as legend has it, lasted 21 years (which was 3 times longer than the actual adventure took). To be continued...

114 moment of truth

Galahad had been speaking for a unnecessarily long time. Simon in spite of his sincere desire to listen, began to zone out. Galahad noticed.

"I'm sorry, I'm an utter bore it's all part and parcel of being a completely chivalrous, purely undefiled knight of all knights."

"It's not that. It's just... do you have any candy?

"Oh I see. It's not enough that I pour my heart out to you after sparing your life, now you want me to provide refreshments as well. I should have dispatched you while I was in the right mood. Now I'll just have to wait until I can whip myself up into another frenzy. Did you even listen to a word that I said?"

Simon wondered if answering truthfully was a wise choice in this situation. Then he thought of candy and felt slightly better.

0100

Galahad turned away from Simon, soap opera style, and began to tell his story.

"Camelot was falling apart in many ways. Arthur had Excalibur still, but had perhaps lost the heart of his queen by that time. Who could resist the good looks of a young upstart with perfect locks and a lance so robust as to make any dragon quiver in fear and every knight green with envy. Sorry Tommy."*In a patronising whisper*"Tommy's a little sensitive about Lances. Long story."

Tommy's eyes burned with the intensity of a thousand furies, which helped to brighten up the place a little bit. The illumination didn't ebb or flow in response to Galahad's words in any notable way, he just had really bright eyes.

"If you could have seen them, oh the ecstasy of it all. Young love. I remember a time when I fell in love once. Once isn't enough though, but what was I saying, ah yes that blasted cup and that *&%^$&!@ moon. With the kingdom in shambles we set off in search of the one item that could definitively restore order to all our lives: the divine cup of our Lord. Little did I know how that journey would change my life. Literally. Look at me, I'm (regrettably) still drawing breath, the mind boggles..."

89.

I think he's trying to pull data on us from the great big mind pie in the sky Tommy, we can't have that now. Keep you're brains to yourself you little ruffian, you don't see me pillaging your idea net now do you?

"How did you do that?" said Simon.

"What, read the collective consciousness of the universe? The same way you did." Said Galahad.

"Oh. Right. But."

"Well said my friend. So, what did you get before I intercepted you? It would have been far more polite to simply ask. We've got all the time in eternity to fill, which is forever as you might imagine, now that you've magicked us here into, wherever this void is. I'm hoping it's purgatory, at least that way we might have an end to look forward to, judging by its scant emptiness though, I'd say that I don't like our chances."

"Friendly fire will be back and --"

"And everything will be restored to its proper order yes, I know. The more I think about it the less convinced I am that that will be of any benefit. Well, young Simon tell us my story that you stole from me or rather of me. What did you find under my profile?"

"Not much, something about the moon, a goblet, you and King Arthur. It's funny I was just on my way to the moon when I bumped into you and Mr. Tommy."

Galahad cupped his head in what looked to be overwhelming disappointment."Irony of ironies. Can you believe that Tommy? We could of had what we wanted if we didn't do anything. This is probably God's punishment for our taking that damn cup of his. I always knew that was a bad idea."

80.

Somewhere in the ether, Simon thinks ... FF where are you? I need some help here, I've just walked into Monty Python's quest for the holy grail. I'm concerned. Wait, that's selfish of me isn't it. How are you doing? Oh man, what about Daly and C , I think they where supposed to come over yesterday evening. They would not believe this. I don't believe this. OK, this vomit stinks. How can I win them over. A dragon, a real life dragon. Dragon's have stars. All right I've got to look around here, there's got to be something about dragons and Galahad. Ah, here we go...

76.

Simon could feel his blood sugar levels dropping, now was not the best time.

"This is all just a big misunderstanding I can assure you." said Simon

"Well in that case we'll just have to dispatch you and a find another way to reignite the Tommy's dragon star." said Galahad.

"That's not necessary. If you'll just let me clean myself up and eat some candy, everything will be returned to it's proper order. Friendly fire will be back any moment now, I've sent him on a mission and he may have borrowed some of your dragon's star to get the job done. He'll be back that's for sure and we'll look back on this moment and have a good old laugh. No violence needed, just nice peaceful discussion the way nature intended."

"Ah a diplomat I see. Well young man you've bedazzled me with your grasp of the english language. I haven't the foggiest clue what you're on about and for that reason and that reason alone I'll spare your pitiful life for now. I am after all a Knight and one not above showing the odd mercy on occasion. Quite decent of me eh Tommy."

Tommy's eyes were still the only source of light in this realm of seemingly infinite darkness, but other then providing illumination he remained as usual unmoved by the words of his companion.

"Very decent, chivalry and all of that, very kind." said Simon

"Now your grovelling, very unatractive. Please man up or I'll be forced to change my mind. "

64.

"Hello...

Hello little boy"

Simon opened his eyes, and immediately wished he hadn't.

"Well done you little bruiser, look alive. And for the love of all things holy, do my nose a favour and clean yourself up. I mean, really, have you no dignity? You're an absolute mess"

Simon was covered, as far as he could extrapolate, in dragon vomit. He looked around, he and the company three were floating on what appeared to be nothing in the middle of... nothing. What happened to the stars and how did this eccentric man, adorned in armour, expect him to clean anything under these unfavourable conditions? Simon could barely see anything,the only light was provided by the dragons blazing eyes and it's silver rimmed wings. Until he could figure things out they'd have no choice but to suffer through this unfortunate episode together, Simon most of all, dragon vomit was one of the most unpleasant experiences that he could recall having. He wiped a dollop from his face and stared at it for a moment.

"Be grateful boy, there are only two ways out of a Dragon if there are any at all, and for you, he chose the better path."

Simon flicked the excess in the Knights direction, trying not to look too obvious.

"Of course. *cough* It's good to be back. Although, that's probably the wrong word, since I don't think I've been here before. And if I gave your dragon friend indigestion I'm sorry, but it'll probably teach him to not go around swallowing people."

"Oh, no need to apologise my young friend, your upheaval here was entirely voluntary on his part. You only snuffed out his dragon flame, I mean, he can't exactly look another dragon in the eye ever again, without feeling entirely inadequate. Dear, innocent Tommy. Indigestion? Oh, I think it's something closer to erectile dysfunction."

Tommy looked on ruefully.

"But let's not dwell on the past unless it can be of some benefit to our futures. I'm Sir Galahad and you are.'

The ghost of a dead memory flittered through Simon's brain. Something about that name sounded familiar.

"I'm Simon." he said, extending his hand in greeting (which was still spotted with remnants of Tommy's regurgitation).

In answer Galahad extended his sword.

"In fact, young hell spawn, I will reveal the future quite clearly for all of us here, now. You will undo the spell which brought us to wherever here is and reignite Tommy's flame or you will die."

56.

A black hole is an instant where light and time go on pause. It's a reified photograph were things for once really are discrete instead of continuous. Galahad, Tommy and Simon were frozen for an eternity inside, then for a little bit longer.

4X10^756 multiverses came into existence while Simon asked: "What happened fire?"

Darkness was the only reply.

39.

Tommy's wings pumped like a six stroke motor on refined premium. He carried Galahad on his back and Simon in his belly, primed to deliver the boy (Simon) on demand to the moon his master. Behind him he left a world in chaos, a frog epidemic and an alleged nuclear explosion frozen in superposition (the traveling trio hoped no one would look). In front of him lay the moon, the stars, the universe. His countenance betrayed no sentiment; his wings kept on flapping.

36.

Galahad, Tommy, Simon and Friendly Fire looked down on a mini-Hiroshima.

"Now, look at what you've done. That can't be at all healthy." said Galahad. The group managed to avoid the explosion proper, but were quickly inundated with mushroom smoke.

Simon seemed to completely ignore Galahad's chiding remarks as he eased into an uncomfortable looking Buddha pose and no doubt began contemplating the mysteries of the universe while floating in the radioactive stratosphere.

on the fireside...

"Any idea what just happened? I've never seen fire so willfully aggressive before. Did you upset him? I realise that you're a very nice person, er thing. But sometimes people, um, stuff is confused when you start forming coherent sentences. I think we've got to ease people into this paradigm otherwise their brains might explode or just they themselves might explode. Like your friend. Wow, reality is really weirder than fiction, a Dragon and Knight combo are attacking us, OK I guess this could happen in fiction so reality is at least equally as weird as fiction, but I'm willing to bet that if it tried really hard. I'm sorry I get carried away sometimes, what do you think?" said Simon.

Friendly Fire twinkled serenely around Simon's person in the midst of the nuclear fallout. "Once you get used to it, reality isn't really that strange, it is mostly empty in fact and quite beautiful. We think you're right though, We opened Dragon Fire up to enlightenment before he was ready to receive it. A foolish mistake on our part. It has now transferred its energy to another form and has moved on to another part of the Samsara."

"I think a lot of other people who were down there have to."

"Very regrettable. Friendly fire hasn't ever harmed anyone, perhaps We should speak to the arrow of time and see if we can't come to some sort of an arrangement."

"That might be an idea."

Back in reality...

"He's just sitting there Tommy, the rascal. He dare mock a Knight of the royal order, not to mention an exemplary reptile such as your self. I have a mind to extricate him of his insolence via our traditional manner (i.e. torture), but your attacks seem pitifully innocuous today. Oh, dear Mary sweet mother of mercy, a beast of your caliber, bested by a floating faery boy. Ha! "

Tommy turned toward the knight with a glance that was probably supposed to communicate anger, animosity and ^%$@ you. His face perpetually poised in this cheerless state, any intimidation that it once held was now lost to the centuries. It barely registered with Galahad. "Very well this is what we'll do then, swallow him whole if you can stomach him. You can regurgitate the boy when we reach the moon. Quickly old friend, our freedom awaits."

30.

"This is the day that fire stood still. How are you doing that?" said Galahad.

"I'm not doing much of any thing other than enjoying the night sky, what an amazing view. I'm also not sure why you're attacking me." said Simon.

"Well, it's not much of an attack now is it, Tommy doesn't usually fire blanks, but I'm afraid our offence has pulled up rather lame in this instance. In any case, if I were you, I'd come along quietly. We have other more persuasive ways of influencing you if need be." Galahad, during times of extreme pressure, was prone to extreme exageration.


On the fire side of things...

"These humans and other anthropomorphic creatures, once they get a taste of consciousness almost always some form of nastiness follows." said Friendly Fire.

"I want to be nasty too, why wont you let me?"said Dragon Fire.

"You can do whatever you please, it's completely up to you."

Dragon fire began burning intensely until it blazed white hot, it then shot toward the earth, breaking terminal velocity, approaching the speed of light, exploding atomically.

24.

It's funny how people meet. Simon could hardly believe his eyes when a Knight in shimmering silver armour riding what looked to be a black hole descended upon him. The strange phenom announced it's presence by bellowing a lung full of flames at our intrepid flyer, most improper; a knight riding a black fire breathing dragon: totally ridiculous. Simon made a mental exception for his own otherworldly abilities on the grounds that he used them frequently and on that level they were rooted in his conception of reality, but these characters were the stuff of pure fantasy and he couldn't abide that sort of nonsense especially not if they continued in their unprovoked hostility.

22.

I better make this sound good.

"Behold the mighty moon! Who giveth light to those who would not walk in darkness, hear my words!"

"Oh dear, here we go Tommy, he or she or whatever it is, is at it again. I hoped it'd forgotten we were here. I'll handle this." said Galahad.

If anything was going through Tommy's head at that moment, you would not have known it to look at him. He would have made an amazing poker player.

"Yes, mighty moon, what is it you wish to inflict upon us now?"

"I have given you solace, in your time of lamentation, be not flippant to your great deliverer."

"Of course, my apologies dear sir, it's just that we live in your left ear and it's not the most comfortable of spots. Not that I'm ungrateful, it's just that I can't take you seriously when you adopt that quasi-God complex and begin jabbering like some one's inserted a 40 mile pole-axe up your arse. What I mean to say is that you're a rock, not that there's anything wrong with that, but where I come from that doesn't count for much. In fact the only thing rocks were good for really were to be tossed about, and I must say you've continued the tossing tradition quite nicely. I'm sorry you were saying."

Damn he's onto me. "Silence mortal."

"Well, strictly speaking that's something of a misnomer."

"SILENCE!! The equinox" Yeah that sounds like it could maybe be believable. "draweth near and I have it on good authority that as surely as I circle the earth, when the time cometh I shall loose control of my bodily functions and my ears shall overflow with my righteous indignation--"

"Cheese puss? you cold hearted son of a --"

"I AM A PATIENT LOVING MERCIFUL BEING, BUT FOR THE FINAL TIME SHUT THE **** UP. YOU WILL GO TO EARTH AND BRING ME THE FLYING ONE."

"The who?"

"LOOK!" The moon directed a few of the suns rays down through a series of channels and internal holes, when the light reached Tommy and Galahad it formed an image which looked very much like Simon flying through the night sky. It was a skill that he'd mastered over the eons and one that he was thoroughly impressed with.

"Most impressive, Mr. moon."

"INDEED. YOU WILL BE SPARED THE WRATH OF MY FURY WRUNG OUT, TINY WARRIOR & UGLY LIZARD, IF YOU GIVE HEED UNTO MY WORDS. THE CHEESE WILL HAVE RECEDED BY THE TIME OF YOUR RETURN AND IF YOU ARE FAITHFUL IN FULFILLING MY COMMAND YOU SHALL OBTAIN THAT WHICH YOU HAVE SOUGHT THESE LONG YEARS."

"More cheese?"

"THINK HARDER FOOLISH KNIGHT."

Galahad looked over at his Dragon friend. Tommy began to smile.

20.

"Well Tommy looks like it's time for dinner eh?"

Tommy sat stoically, possibly deep in thought.

"I mean I've really been looking forward to this old chap."

Tommy may have blinked, but in the dim light you couldn't be sure.

"You know, there's nothing like the company of good friends is there."

Tommy looked like something that resembled a statue.

"Eliza's still napping, but nothing replenishes the system after a long hard rest like an
unexpected meal. Isn't that right?"

Galahad cracked a weak smile, Tommy didn't. Galahad shrugged and then began to slide on a breast plate.

"Just in case, always pays to be prepared."

Tommy's eyes blazed down and perhaps through Galahad. Galahad kept putting on his armour.