Monday, April 11, 2011

fashionably late jesus

I'm plodding away inventing errands for myself to run, because it's a lot easier to shop for a designer pen than it is to write something with one. When I was a religious zealot, hey we all have our weaknesses, I used to fret over procrastination. My mindset is pretty much why do something when you can do nothing? When I put it to myself like that, doing nothing wins out more often than not. I've converted some of my down time to meditation which helps me to feel a whole lot more productive while sitting around accomplishing not much of anything.

I've still got a lot of time leaks though, but before I shore up and right my ship I'm going to cast my mind back to the footprints I saw on the sand before I sailed out here (warning there is an allusion here to some BS feel good story that I'm not going to go into too much). Jesus, thanks for carrying me and the rest of humanity buddy, I don't think I could have made it across the beach without you. There's just one nagging question I've got though: where the hell are you?

Apparently the second coming (thanks to my sophomoric sense of humour I can never say or write that with a straight face) is well on the way. It's the last days (still), so any minute now, watch out, boom, it's gonna happen. Jesus is probably just holding off, because he's a guy and sometimes we take a little while to recover. 2000 years though? Come on Jesus put your omnipotence where your [insert, um never mind] is.

The second coming is going to happen around a time when the world is at it's shittiest, talk to some Christians and they'll have you believe that that time is upon us. We are buried in the shit of the world right now. The bubonic plague wasn't bad enough. The holocaust and Hiroshima and world wars weren't enough to trigger it either (yep, I totally stole this from The Daily Show's farewell to Glenn Beck). No none of that, gay marriage and advanced medical care are truly the signs of the end times. Hmmm.

I propose that Jesus is actually a lazy ass bum. This not only makes sense, but also makes me feel better. Just like everyone else he'd rather put the hard stuff off. Descending in a cloud of glory while your infidel brothers burn and with angels blowing trumpets and stuff is probably a daunting prospect. There's a lot of planning that goes into a genocide on that scale. Besides this is a guy who literally invented the phrase "the 11th hour" at least that's what Matthew said or at least whoever wrote the book of Matthew said that he said it.

Back when we used to be friends, Jesus seemed a little untouchable, he was so perfect and I was just human, all too human. It's great that at this late stage we can finally find some common ground. Jesus hasn't not come back yet because he's dead and resurrection is impossible, it's because he's procrastinating. I like him better already. This is going to make my spontaneous combustion at his return all the more enjoyable. In other good news I've found a pen, now all I need is a fancy exorbitantly priced writing pad. Anyone know where I can find a moleskin?


Vajra said...

Don't mock pens. just switched to a fountain pen and my handwriting is practically legible. Not the case with that Satanic tool: the ballpoint.

Loren said...

Welcome Vajra,

My bad, I didn't mean to demean pens. I'll stick to mocking Jesus.

Anonymous said...

I can barely refer to The Second Coming with a straight face either

Loren said...

I am not alone in the universe, thank you anon