the end is a matter of perspective, the beginning is always the hardest part

"When all movement stops, the movement of heaven can begin"

"Be still and know..."

First of all I'd like to thank all the variables in the universe that came together just right, so that I could be here right now, wondering why the hell I'm here right now. Every single one of you. I'm not being facetious, my existence, from where I'm standing was and is a fortuitous, wondrous, beautiful thing.

Thank you sky for being there everyday that I wake up. Few things are so reliable. Thank you air for not choking me death, yet. Everything that didn't happen was amazing. Everything that did even more so. Why are there more ways to mix jam (aka jelly) into the peanut butter jar than there are ways to keep them separate?

It took the Israelites 40 years to find their way through the wilderness. It took me only 30.

Now, I'm being facetious.

Jesus took 30 years to prepare for his ministry and coincidentally my youth was perhaps as noteworthy. His was captured in exactly one verse of (canonized) scripture; the rest of his life constituted much more.

There is sometimes a temptation to distance my current self from my former self, selves. But maybe I should just embrace them all.

Do I regret my time in the church? If not for the church I would never have known it isn't True. It was all preparation. It was all experience. I have been wondering in the wilderness for 30 years perhaps, but "Not all those who wander are lost." It is tempting to say that this is the beginning, but the truth is: it's all been unfolding for a very long time. I will continue to wander for eternity.