87.

Bilix and Ditie awoke in uncomfortable positions in the bathroom, bereft of any (house trained) monster-tree sightings.

"I knew no good would come from this." Bilix grabbed at the back of his neck for emphasis, looking as pathetic as possible.


"Always with the negativity. He, she, it, whatever will be back at some point."

"Yeah well, in the meantime how do you feel about fried green frogs for breakfast?" the frog pox continued to spread to unwanted places like buboes during the black plague. Not even the bog was sacred anymore.

Unable to contain himself any longer Premnath, entered the scene. "Look guys can you get out please, I've been bursting to go all night. I just need a moment here O.K?"

Dittie got the impression that Premnath was tiring of her antics. The feeling was mutual, although less justified.

The bathroom was dutifully cleared of the culpable pair by (induced) voluntary march, but a horde of frogs remained in their place to observe Premnath in a compromising position. After which he performed the rest of his habitual morning ablutions resentfully for his audience, and then left for work.

Bathrooms abhor a vacuum, at least that's what you might be led to believe by observing Bilix's behaviour, who wasted no time in refilling the empty space left by his partner's flatmate's departure. He peered over at the loo, while brushing his teeth. "Joan of Arc in a hang glider! Dittie get in here, you've gotta see this!"

69.

Bilix and Dittie after a lot more drinking...

"I'm concerned it's like every day I walk in and a tree stump has taken a dump in my toilet. My toilet! You think the current frogger crisis is a problem? I have to pull out a leaf blower every time I need to go me-me." said Dittie

"Me-me Ditie? Seriously we're all adults here. And if it's all the same to you I'd rather not hear about you and your flatmate's bathroom hi-jinks."

"I just need to go all right. That's my right."

"Yes, whenever, wherever. I think you had a wee bit too much of the grog my dear."

"And besides toilets are ..." Ditie stumbled over her words as she pointed skyward and threw up on herself.

"Yes, I know, I know Ditie focus on the finger and I miss all the heavenly glory." said Bilix gazing up at the full moon (which somehow looked sad tonight).

"You're not listening as usual. Why don't men ever listen?"

"Oh boy."

"Toilets don't ever get a fair shake, everybody giggles about them behind their backs, but when you want to go plant your butt somewhere and do a little light reading, who's there for you?"

"Why toilets of course! I'll concede to you on that point, but I don't know where you're going with this. I mean shouldn't we be trying to get to the bottom of what's--"

"Bilix!?"

"Sorry."

"You've heard the stories right? Toilets are portals to another world. Literally they are. I haven't actually done it myself, but my aunt once used a network of long drops to over throw the Roman empire in an alternative universe."

"Lets not forget that toilets are sometimes engaged like us and often vacant like you."

In response Ditie punched Bilix directly in the nose, causing him to tear up.

"Uhhh (*delayed onset of pain groan*) Okay go on."

"What we need to do is stake out my loo. I know it can't be Premnath leaving detritus on the bowl because he always Nair®'s himself. There are always leafy twiggy bits left behind on the bowl, we'll lay low then capture the creature and force him to, I don't know we'll catch him and make him talk."

"Better him than me, lets go."