Thursday, July 7, 2011

my hero with a thousand faces

Jesus is my all time favourite imaginary friend, and trust me I've had a few, so that distinction definitely means something. On ya Jesus. Score another one for the good guy(s).

There are many Jesuses though. So I suppose I should introduce you to mine. But first, let's familiarize ourselves with some of his many manifestations...

There's the Apocalyptic-Prophet-Jesus, one of the more virulent forms. Come to earth to establish the Kingdom of God and turn child against parent and so forth. This Jesus is going to kick arse directly preceding the millenium. Watch out sinners.

We also have I'm-Insecure-About-My-Popularity-Jesus. "Just say the word, accept me as your personal Lord and Saviour and I'll give you carte blanch on your conduct, plus you get to go to heaven, plus you get to act like a smug prick condemning everyone else to hell. What a deal." Hallelujah! I feel like clapping my hands, and falling over, and shooting someone.

I would be remiss if I failed to mention Anal-Retentive-But-Oblivious-To-Real-Issues-Jesus. He once told good ol' Joe Smith "We teach them righteous principles and let them govern themselves." However, Joseph got distracted and pulled his head out of his hat before he caught this important caveat..."I am the Alpha and Omega, ain't no one better blah blah... It's important to note that this principle does not apply to how many earrings one can wear, or what colour your shirt is at church, or facial hair (ignore my beard), or what underwear you wear, or what hand you take the sacrament with, or how much money I require of you, or what pronouns you use in prayer blah blah etc... Also, please stop praying for world peace, I'm too busy helping you people find your keys/other irrelevant items."

You know what? It's time for my Jesus, who as you will soon observe stands in stark contrast to ARBOTRI-Jesus. It's the dreaded I've-Had-It-Up-To-Here-With-You-Goddamn-Mother-Fuckin'-Hypocrites-Jesus, aka Temple-Tantrum-Jesus. This Jesus abhorred the legalistic fetish that the Pharisees of his time got off on. He openly condemned their ability to raise hypocricy to the level of an art form. A condition where appearance trumped intent, which unfortunately has found it's way into certain religious practices today. We ignore this Jesus at our peril. You've been warned.

Behold my cat-o'-nine-tails beeatch

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