Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Worst. Plan. Ever.

Buckle up. I'm Agent Smith, you're Neo. "I'd like to share a revelation I've had during my time here..."

Premise: The god of Mormonism is a dick.

Look children gather round, I've got a special announcement. I've been consulting with my favourite, Jesus H Christ, and we've put this amazing plan together that we've worked out for all of you based on agency. Just as a side note if any of you don't want to be a part of this right now we'll book you tickets straight to outer darkness*, or if you fuck up any of it along the way we'll just send you to a slightly less intense form of hell, so listen up. I love you guys, as such I'm going to send you all to a horrible place called earth, were the majority of you will experience terrible indignities, marvelous suffering and eventually death. But don't worry. I'll be with you always and you'll know this because I'll make you forget this entire conversation, and when things are at their most dire and you really need some help you know you can count on me, because I'll communicate with you down there in the most vague way that you could possibly imagine. As a bonus I'll also have these fun hoops that you'll have to jump through if you ever hope to make it back here in one piece, hoops that less than one half of one percent of you will ever find out about, muwhahahaha. Sorry didn't mean to laugh just then. The funniest thing happened to me this morning. Long story. Anyway. Um, no questions? Good. Everyone follow Jesus to the nearest exit. All righty, let there be light etc blah blah. Come on let's get a move one people. Adam. Eve. Earth. Now.

...and we all "shouted for joy", because god was S & we are M.

*some accounts contend that the outer darkness part of this statement was kept as surprise sprung on dissenters after they expressed disagreement.


Anonymous said...

Justin Says
So what plan would you propose?

Andrew S said...

tangentially, I have often noted that God in a Calvinist worldview is worse than Lucifer/Satan in a Mormon view.

Both say that people will have no choice.
Yet Calvinism's God doesn't save everyone, but Mormonism's Satan would have.