Wednesday, October 27, 2010

how to wear t-shirts and influence people

The prodigal son returns once again, fresh from a perilous journey of dubious import. What pray tell have I been up to? Making a public nuisance of myself, mostly, it's more fun that way.

I look at my stats and nod my head in agreement, double digits everyday might be a bit too much to ask with my prolific output and an unquenchable penchant for puerile concerns. I want puerility matched by profundity, though I often misstep in search of the latter. Woest me. It is what it is. Resignation is better than redundancy, but not by much.

Let me give you an insight in to the way my mind operates sometimes (the rest of the time is typified by clinical logic bordering on sterility), not sure if I should seek therapy... What's more important than T-shirts? The short answer: nothing. Sure you don't want to be caught leaving the house without undies, let alone pants, but roll with me on this one, I promise either way you'll probably be disappointed. T-shirts can tell you a lot about a person, it's an essential fashion item in any self respecting manly man's wardrobe. Consequently I rigorously screen each and every t-shirt I wear in an attempt to fool people into thinking I'm cool while I'm out making an ass of myself.

A couple of weeks ago it fell to the much vaunted Sponge Bob Square Pants T to assure the goodwill and kindness (hopefully expressed in the form of free alcohol) of strangers. In which attempt its charms and mine failed miserably. I have never endured so many hateful glares and stares in my life. Except at high school. It's a cold hearted world we're living in when not even Sponge Bob can lighten the mood. Ever heard of irony people. I'd make a terrible hipster. The incongruity of a burly man, such as my self, wearing a child's t-shirt may have been too much to bare. I don't know. Cognitive dissonance strikes again. Sorry Spongey you're demoted to the bottom of the rotation.

Perhaps this cunning advertisement gave me the wrong impression

This weekend just gone, I went with a slightly different approach. The patented chimpanzee-dressed-as-a-jockey-riding-a-t-rex T-shirt, to much better results. It was amazing. I didn't clear out tables when I randomly sat at them, all was right with the world, my mojo was in full effect. I haven't quite figured out why, but it seems you can never go wrong with monkeys (requisite Ozomatli reference: check. And yeah, chimps aren't monkeys, I know, bite me. Please). So what have we learned? T-shirt selection is a delicate, nay, mysterious process oft times beset by incomprehensible reactions of alarmed onlookers. Regardless, of the outcome a soldier must persevere, imposing his/her/its will on the opposition. A anglo or nigga (notice strategically spelt with an 'a') or whatevz gotta come correct. OK, we didn't really learn anything. Class dismissed.


Istok said...

The spongebob shirt got no love? We're living in dark times my friend. Dark times indeed.

On the topic of t-shirts, I ordered this a while back and it just arrived yesterday:

Yep. That's right. A shirt designed by joe rogan himself, depicting a monkey in the lotus pose, in front of what appears to be a diagram of a DMT molecule, and resplendent with a Psilocbin mushroom and cannabis leaf - the implication being that we as humans owe our erudite and scholarly accomplishments to our simian ancestors discovering psychoactive substances, and thereby triggering an intellectual metempsychosis (ala terence Mckenna).

I think a bunch of monkeys tripping balls while flying through space on what is essentially an organic spaceship is a much more plausible explanation for humanity as a whole than any religious tract I've encountered thus far.

Loren said...

Hey Istok (what's the official way of spelling Ish?) welcome to the blog.

Now that's what I call a t-shirt! Heaven help Surfer's when you decide to bust it out. That is also the greatest origin of the species myth that I've ever heard, and at least, if not more, credible than any other explanation I know of. Drugs and monkeys. Those lucky little simians. I'm jealous cause I have a self-regulated strict no drugs policy (with the exception of mushrooms). Mmmmm, mushrooms.

Istok said...

well there's no "official" way to spell Ish, as I didn't select the moniker myself. Someone no doubt infinitely wiser than myself once said that in a way, the act of naming something creates it.

Regarding our hedonistic monkey progenitors, well... everything is a drug if you think about it.

There have been some legitimate assertions that the cultural shift towards civilisation from ancient Sumeria (which is ironically modern Iraq, I believe)coincides exactly with man's discovery of the fermentation process that eventually led to the brewing of beer.

As a notable roman once said, In, vino veritas.

Istok said...

Oh, and thanks for the welcome - I'm really enjoying your blog.