the following may offend virgins, 2nd councilors, Muslims, Mormons and people with no sense of humour...
Good morning brothers and sisters,
I'm grateful to be here on this most staggering sabbath-like occasion. You know I was walking down the road the other day, true story, innocently minding my own business, as we boulevardier types are want to do, and one of these freaks, I think we call them councillors approaches me. We're all brothers and sisters right, so I play along. Hello brother so and so hows the old the watcha madosie thinga majig. This sets him off, he tells me all about the intricacies of mowing his lawn, his shoddy investment deals, his son on a mission and his other son who's got 5-10 for armed robbery and his life dedicated to becoming a chartered accountant. You can't fault the man's small talk skills, he had me right were he wanted me and I was totally oblivious.
One minute we're discussing the wonders of compound interest the next I'm holding a white envelope in my hand (which whiteness was above that of all that I ever before I had seen). By the way you don't mind being the final speaker this Sunday now do you. Do you a lot of good, plenty of blessings and all that, well all the best I'll be on my way. I had know idea, none. If I pass out from sheer inability to live up to the task at hand please bear with me, I had a difficult childhood and Sister Robins is glaring at me in an intensely unsettling way. And I'm profoundly grateful to the bishopric for this assignment. Thank you, thank you.
*waffles for five more minutes*
Thanks again. Today I've been assigned to speak on the topic: "Which religion has the best retirement plan." Where do you begin with something like that ,I mean we all know the answer already. Am I right? Huh? That's what I thought too then I started doing a little digging. It's funny, it's like the bishop really new what I needed to focus on at this point in my life. Lets begin with Islam. Now here's a religion with some real, how shall I say, big kahunas. I mean 72 virgins. 72!?! Each!?! Gentlemen I believe we have a winner...
...to be continued