Tuesday, November 25, 2008

My Eulogy

For fun Fast forward to my death. What would the world look like>>

"We are here today to celebrate the passing, sorry I'm a little nervous. To celebrate the life of our dearly departed friend, the late Loren Hopkins. He was a good man, a kind man, a man of rare and misguided breeding. His scruples we're always wound tighter then a supermodel's butt cheeks, but we loved him. It all started on a beautiful day in 19...blah blah blah."

2 minutes later...

"Damn we'll miss him. Would anyone else like to say anything?


A dark figure entered from the back of the chapel, he was wearing shutter shades -- a gimcrack that Kanye West had regrettably reintroduced into the sphere of socially acceptable fashion -- and a black three quarter coat. He solemnly marched to the podium and removed his shades. Gasps pinballed throughout the audience.

"Trust me to be late for my own funeral, a few complications almost kept me from being here tonight, but, well, here I am; With apologies to Mark Twain 'The rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated', who when you think about it is actually dead now." *Loren paused as if expecting an additional response to this inane insight, it however was easily overpowered in the minds of the onlookers by his surprising revivification.* "Ahem, I appreciate so many of you being here tonight." *In truth the number of attendees left something to be desired.* "And I hate to send you home disappointed, but while I was sitting at the pearly gates waiting for my number to be called I realised that there was something I'd forgotten to do here. As quickly as possible I made arrangements for my return. Many kind things have been said tonight most of which (like my death) were exaggerations. I never quite lived up to my end of the bargain down here, so I've decided to make a comeback and settle my unfinished business. I'm sure you'll all understand, second chances are uncommon, so do what you can when you can and do it the best. It took me a while to learn that, I was 29 years old when I lived for the first time. You'll have to excuse me now, I should be writing. Thank you. Peace out."

There was no solitary clap building in a crescendo to a rousing ovation. There wasn't much of anything in the way of response. Silence hung over the congregation like a very unpleasant cloud.

Then one man stood up. "If you're you, then who's that lying in the casket?!?"


And so it was that Loren returned to the land of the living.

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